Feeling curious, excited, and nervous, or even all three, before your first time with another woman is completely normal. There’s no single right way to do this (and don’t let anyone else convince you otherwise!). The only things that matter are what feels good, safe, and affirming for you and the lucky person you are with.
Our handy guide to lesbian sex tips for beginners focuses on what actually helps. It takes a look at how to bring it up and how to talk about it, and how to ease in and prioritize pleasure without pressure. The short version is simple: take your time. Communicate constantly. Use more lube than you think you need (seriously- it will take so much more than you think). Focus on the moment and your connection, not racing to the finish line.
Reminder: consent is ongoing. It’s something you check in on throughout your time together, not something you lock in at the start and never bring up again. First times are about discovery, not an Olympic style rated performance. We’re here to help with ten supportive and practical first time lesbian sex tips to help you feel more at ease and more present in the moment.
1. Talk before you touch
Before anything physical happens, a little honesty goes a long way.
Queer women’s dating safety should include sharing boundaries, curiosities, and any clear no’s. This can be simple and low-pressure, so don’t worry too much about over-sharing or saying something weird. Something like, “I want to start slow with kissing and touching over clothes, and I will let you know if I want more” might sound basic, but it sets boundaries, and also, it’s hot when someone knows what they want.
Agree on an easy way to slow down or stop completely. A word like “pause” or a gentle hand tap works well for these kinds of situations. A non-verbal cue can also help avoid that feeling of being too shy or embarrassed to speak up if you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable.
Set expectations together. The first time is about learning from each other, not impressing each other.
Handle the basics ahead of time if you can. Where you will be, what protection you want to use, and making sure lube is nearby. Checking in with a simple question like “Does this still feel good?” keeps consent active and shared. (We’re stressing the “if you can” part here- we get that sometimes the moment is spontaneous and magical and unplanned, and that’s totally normal too.)
2. What counts as lesbian sex anyway?
There’s no single definition, despite what you might hear. Sex can include kissing, mutual masturbation, oral sex, grinding or tribbing, fingers, toys, or some or all of the above. And if you’re into some of those things, but it’s a hard pass on others? That’s totally okay, too.
Talking about what sex means to each of you lowers pressure and expands what “success” looks like. Many sapphics don’t orgasm from just penetration alone. Centering external clitoral stimulation is often way more reliable and more satisfying. Naming that upfront can help everyone relax and refocus from the “gotta finish” mindset.
3. Ease in and go slow
Slowness isn’t boring, it’s learning.
Start clothed or partially clothed if that feels safer for you. Build arousal and yearning through kissing, touch, breath, and anticipation.
Introduce one new thing at a time and check in as you go to make sure that the vibe is still comfortable for you both.
We’ve all heard the trope that sapphics have amazing stamina when it comes to the bedroom, but don’t be afraid to keep the session shorter than you thought it was going to be. You can always come back to more later.
Remember: pain is a clear stop sign. Discomfort is a signal to slow down, add lube, or switch activities.
4. Foreplay is not a warm-up. It is the point.
For many people with vulvas, orgasm comes most reliably from focused, repeated clitoral stimulation rather than penetration.
That means lingering where it already feels good and repeating what works. Letting pleasure build instead of rushing forward. “Don’t stop” isn’t just a sexy thing to hear: it’s a great instruction to keep up whatever is working without changing a thing.
5. Lube is your best friend
More lube usually means more comfort and better sensation. Lube reduces friction, helps prevent irritation, and makes everything feel smoother.
- Be generous and reapply whenever things start to feel dry or too intense.
- If you’re using latex barriers like condoms or dental dams, avoid oil-based lubes since they can weaken latex.
- If you have allergies, fragrance-free and glycerin-free options can be gentler on the body and softer on sensitive skin.
Water-based lube is a great all-purpose option for first timers. Silicone-based lube lasts longer in the moment but isn’t with all silicone toys. Make sure you read the label before using it, whether it’s on yourself, your partner, or a toy.
6. Safer sex still matters
Women who have sex with women can still pass STIs through skin contact, fluids, and shared toys. You can have safe lesbian sex by following the following tips:
- If and when you want to use them, barriers can help. Dental dams for oral sex. Gloves or finger condoms for fingering. Condoms on shared toys.
- Always clean toys between partners or switch condoms when sharing.
- Get regular STI screenings based on what you do, not on how you identify.
- Skip sex if there are active sores, unexplained irritation, or infections until things are cleared up. It’ll be worth the wait.
7. Hands, nails, and toys basics
- Trim and file your nails so they are smooth. If you have long nails or enjoy keeping that gorgeous femme acrylic manicure, gloves or finger cots can help protect delicate skin.
- Wash your hands and toys before and after sex.
- Choose nonporous toys whenever possible and use condoms on shared toys. Keep one toy per area of the body.
- For anal play, only use toys with a flared base and do not then use the same toy on other areas.
8. If something hurts, stop
Pain isn’t something to push through or something that you need to just “get over.”
Pause and reassess. Add more lube. Slow the pace. Change angles. Or even switch activities entirely. Any and all of these are super natural parts of sex, and there’s nothing wrong with taking a minute.
If your pain is sharp, burning, or continues even after sex, a clinician can help. Pain during sex is common and treatable, and you deserve support to help keep your sex life pain-free and pleasureful.
9. Invite orgasms without demanding them
- Talk about what feels good. Location, pressure, rhythm, speed. The more details you can talk about, the better the communication is, and the better the experience will be.
- When you find something that works, stay with it.
- Positions that keep clitoral contact steady and accessible can be especially helpful to reach an orgasm.
- Solo exploration can make partnered sex easier, because you already know what you like and have already gotten in tune with what your body craves. Sharing what you already know about your body is powerful and super attractive.
Remember that pleasure and connection count even if an orgasm doesn’t happen. There’s no failure here if someone doesn’t finish. It’s about the journey, not the destination.
10. Aftercare matters too
- Check in emotionally. Ask what feels good and what you might want to try differently next time.
- Drink water or something like Gatorade to recharge (avoid caffeine and carbonation for the best hydration and recovery). Grab a snack- we recommend something like trail mix or berries that has important good stuff for your body in it, but also has a sweet treat. Cuddle if that feels right. Aftercare looks different for everyone. Whether you need to cuddle and be close to each other, or you need some space, just make sure that you’re communicating your needs so that no one feels left out of the mood.
- Pee after sex to help lower UTI risk, then gently rinse external skin.
- Clean any used toys, toss the used barriers, and put things away together.
Talk about seeing each other again, whether it’s what you’re going to try differently next time or just the excitement to go on another date. Anticipation is all part of the pleasure.
First times are not about getting it perfect. They’re about learning each other’s bodies, rhythms, and comfort levels. Stay curious. Communicate often. Build from what felt good. Be honest- authentic lesbian experiences grow from direct, mindful communication and feedback.
That is how comfort grows into confidence, and how good sex gets even better.
