Updated June 5th, 2025 by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Many people are taught about relationships from a heteronormative and cisnormative lens based on traditional and often outdated gender norms. In addition, because people in the LGBTQ+ community aren’t frequently represented in media in healthy, loving relationships, many of the role models and fictional characters people look up to may be based on unhealthy relationship behaviors. Below, explore healthy relationships, how relationship health can differ in queer partnerships, how to challenge stigmas, and ways to find mental health support.
The importance of a healthy relationship for mental and physical health
Healthy relationships make a world of difference in mental and physical well-being. Studies show that being around people who lift you up can reduce your risk of physical illnesses and early death. In addition, they can provide a support network, leaving you less isolated in times of emergencies or when you need emotional support or guidance. By connecting with people who treat you with respect, you can also reduce your risk of anxiety, depression, stress, and severe post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Traits of a healthy relationship
When looking at building a healthy relationship or improving an existing one, you may first look at general traits many people associate with all types of healthy relationships, including but not limited to the following:
- Honesty
- Trust
- Communication
- Commitment
- Desire and chemistry
- Directness
- Respect
- Support
- Love
- Openness
- Growth
Although many people hold these values in their relationships, ideas on what makes a partnership healthy tend to diverge when examining relationship dynamics, monogamy versus polyamory, and other lifestyle choices. For example, one person might consider a relationship in which they are not at the center to be unhealthy. In contrast, another person might be most comfortable in a long-term relationship that involves sharing their partner with another person.
When deciding what a healthy relationship looks like, a part of the relationship’s health may be determined by the unique needs and boundaries of the partners within that relationship, within reason. Boundaries are rules you set for your own body, time, energy, money, and resources; however, they are not a means to control or coerce another person into doing what you want. You cannot set boundaries on someone else’s behavior, but you can choose how you respond and whether you stay with somebody when they’ve gone against your values.
How healthy relationships can look in queer partnerships
The above healthy traits and values can be seen in any type of relationship, including those between LGBTQ+ individuals. However, a queer partnership may also involve other considerations not seen in a heterosexual partnership, such as the following:
- Conversations about how you will display affection in public or around family due to concerns about homophobia or transphobia
- Ensuring the mental and physical safety of you and your partner
- Legal concerns, such as adoption of your partner’s children or being recognized on your child’s birth certificate with the correct gender
- Family planning concerns if partners are unable to have a biological child together due to gender or sex
- Respecting each other’s pronouns, gender identities, and gender expressions
- Conversations surrounding sexual safety that may be more common in gay couples, such as conversations about using PrEP for HIV prevention
- Expectations surrounding non-monogamy or monogamy and how that looks
- Exploring new ways to have sex that might not be traditionally explored in straight or cisgender relationships or may not have been taught about in sexual education classes
- Educating oneself on signs of abuse in a relationship not typically expected by outside society to be abusive (such as two women in a relationship with each other)
- Exploring asexuality and aromanticism (in some cases) and what that means for a couple
Healthy queer partnerships can also involve conversations about coming out, being authentic with family, and building a chosen family if one or more partners’ biological families are not supportive. Although queer love is not centered around being queer in every case, there are parts of having healthy connections that can cause conflict, fear, and trauma for LGBTQ+ individuals.
Challenging myths and stigmas about queer partnerships
Myths about gender roles in straight relationships can impact queer partnerships. For example, domestic violence resources have long focused on how men abuse women. However, domestic violence is also widespread in lesbian relationships, potentially due to people not validating their experiences as abuse due to preconceived notions. Bisexual women are also at a higher risk of abuse.
Straight couples are often expected to fulfill “traditional” roles, involving a man working and providing while a woman stays home and cares for their children, cooks meals, and cleans. Many same-sex partners divide duties or work around each partner’s schedule or desires. However, feminine-presenting men and masculine-presenting women are often pressured by heteronormative cultures to act in the roles of “women” and “men” as outlined by society.
Transgender parents in a relationship may face unique challenges in being seen as their correct gender. This stigma has led to many people not knowing that some transgender men carry and give birth to their children, whereas trans women can be the biological mother of a child carried by someone else with a uterus. For example, a transgender lesbian and their cisgender girlfriend may have a biological baby together. Still, because of gender presentation, transphobia, and other concerns, people may not view the couple as the biological parents of the child. Many transgender parents face discrimination in healthcare and when making legal parenting decisions.
Mental health support options
If you’re facing an unhealthy relationship or discrimination due to your gender or sexuality, you’re not alone. Navigating individual identity when combined with being in a partnership can be challenging, and many places in the world still condemn same-sex relationships and gender-affirming care. If you’re worried about seeing a therapist in person, you may benefit from talking to a counselor online through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples.
Online therapy has been found especially effective for those within the LGBTQ+ community, offering a safe space to connecting with an affirming provider trained in supporting queer individuals and partnerships. In one study, affirming online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) was found effective in reducing anxiety, stress, depression, and post-traumatic stress in LGBTQ+ clients.
Takeaway
Healthy relationships exist in many colors and shapes. Having a healthy queer partnership can look like sharing values, communication, and boundaries. However, you may also look at areas where queer couples can often struggle in addition to educating yourself on signs of abusive behavior so you know what to look out for. For mental health support and guidance, consider seeking a therapist online or in your area.
