Questioning whether you are lesbian, bisexual, or somewhere else on the sapphic spectrum is incredibly common and completely healthy. You don’t need to have had past relationships, a long dating history, or any sexual experience to understand your orientation. Most people figure it out through patterns over time: who they desire, who they daydream about, and where emotional connection feels the most natural.
This expert-reviewed checklist gently walks through the signs that you might be a lesbian, the signs that you might be bisexual, and how to sit with that uncertainty without any pressure or rush. You’ll also find a side-by-side comparison and supportive next steps for exploring your identity within the sapphic community.
Wherever you are right now is 100% valid. If a label helps, you can try it on. If it doesn’t, you can wait. You’re allowed to change your mind as you learn more about yourself. We can help you start to figure it out with some signs you might be a lesbian, and not bisexual.
HER: a trusted space for exploring sexuality
HER is a sapphic dating and community space built for lesbians, bisexual, queer, nonbinary, and trans folks to explore identity on their own terms. You can customize your profile, add Pride Pins that reflect how you identify right now, and discover local events, friend groups, and conversations created with care for the LGBTQ+ community.
Because identity is often fluid and nonlinear, HER happily welcomes you at every stage. Whether you’re questioning, experimenting with labels, newly out, or confidently out, this is a space where you don’t have to have everything figured out. You’re allowed to learn and evolve as you go.
Understanding lesbian identity
What does it mean to be a lesbian?
“A lesbian is a woman, or someone who identifies with womanhood, who is primarily emotionally, romantically, and sexually attracted to other women,” according to the American Psychological Association on sexual orientation (see the American Psychological Association overview).
Identity is all about attraction, not behavior. You don’t need to have dated or slept with anyone to know. Many people recognize their orientation long before they have any relationship experience.
If you’re asking what it means to be a lesbian, pay attention to where your emotional and sexual energy naturally flows over time. Lesbian attraction often shows up in fantasies (looking at you, Miss Honey), crushes (like that new barista), and is paired with a sense of ease, excitement, or recognition around women.
Signs you might be lesbian
If you’re trying to understand whether you’re a lesbian rather than bisexual, notice whether these patterns resonate over time:
- You consistently imagine or desire emotional and sexual relationships with women and not men
- Fantasies or relationships with men feel hollow, performative, or obligatory compared with those involving women
- You feel happiest, safest, and most yourself expressing affection with women or woman-aligned people
- Your strongest crushes and daydreams (whether celebrity, fictional, or IRL) center on women
- Physical attraction to men feels inconsistent or fades quickly, while attraction to women feels steady
- Cultural or family pressure makes you doubt yourself, even when your feelings for women feel clear
Uncertainty is normal. Clarity often comes from patterns, not from a single moment or realization.
Common misconceptions about being lesbian
- “It’s just a phase.” Many people experience stable same gender attraction over long periods of time, even years. Phases describe timing, not legitimacy.
- “You have to be 100% certain and never question your attraction to men.” Questioning is common. Certainty often builds gradually over time, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
- “Past experiences with men invalidate a lesbian identity.” We assure you, they do not, and the whole “gold star lesbian” thing is so cringy. Identity reflects current and lasting attraction patterns.
- Language can evolve. Some people use lesbian, queer, sapphic, or another term entirely. They might even use more than one, or shift them depending on who they’re talking to. That’s totally normal. Labels are tools meant to help, not lifetime contracts.
Understanding bisexual identity
What does it mean to be bisexual?
“Bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, not a phase or confusion. Many bisexuals are fully out on their own terms.” A widely used definition states: “A bisexual person is someone who experiences emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree,” as outlined in this Cleveland State University resource on bisexuality.
Attraction doesn’t have to be equal or constant to be real. It can shift over time.
If you’re wondering how to know you’re bisexual, look for recurring attraction to more than one gender. That means even if it is uneven, changes over time, or hasn’t actually led to relationships yet.
Your dating history does not determine your orientation, and if you’re not 50% into men and 50% into women, that doesn’t make you any less bi.
Signs you might be bisexual
- You have experienced genuine emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to people of more than one gender
- Your attractions shift in intensity or focus over time
- You feel seen by bisexuality’s openness and nuance
- You sometimes wonder if you’re a lesbian, but still notice attraction to other genders
- You feel pressure to “pick a side” and don’t relate to how others seem so certain
- You’ve Googled “How to know if you’re really bi”
Your identity is shaped by attraction, not by a tally of partners.
Common misconceptions about being bisexual
Myth: Bisexual people are confused or going through a phase
Reality: Bisexuality is a stable identity for many and not a stepping stone
Myth: Bi people are promiscuous or can’t decide
Reality: Bisexual people can be monogamous, polyamorous, or celibate, the same as anyone else
Myth: Bi people will always leave a same gender partner
Reality: Commitment is not determined by attraction patterns, and people of all identities experience breakups.
Myth: Your current partner defines your identity
Reality: Identity reflects your capacity for attraction, not who you are dating in the moment. Dating a man doesn’t undo your attraction to women.
Key differences and shared truths
Lesbian
- Primarily emotionally, romantically, and sexually attracted to women
- Most strong attraction centers on women
- No experience required to be valid
- May face pressure around certainty or past partners
Bisexual
- Attracted to more than one gender, not necessarily equally or simultaneously
- Attraction may shift over time
- No need to date or sleep with more than one gender
- Often face biphobia or erasure
Shared ground
- Both are valid orientations, not phases or disorders
- Neither requires experience to be real
Remember that there’s no bisexual vs lesbian grudge match- both are completely valid sapphic identities, and neither one is better or “more sapphic” than the other.
Navigating your sexuality journey
Questions for self-reflection
- When you imagine a future relationship, who do you feel most fulfilled with emotionally and romantically?
- Whose presence, touch, or voice do you crave most often?
- How have your attractions stayed consistent or changed over time?
- Which fantasies feel exciting rather than forced?
- Where do you feel safest expressing affection?
- If fear and pressure disappeared, which label would you try on today?
Clarity builds through gentle honesty with yourself.
Fluidity and nonlinear paths
Sexual identity exists on a spectrum and can feel fluid for some people, as reflected in the KFF overview of LGBTQ+ health and experiences. You can recognize your orientation without experience, and your language can shift as you learn more about yourself. It’s okay to take your time or never settle on one label at all.
- Join LGBTQ+ community groups and local events to meet others who are questioning or exploring.
- Use Pride Pins and customizable profiles to reflect who you are today.
- Engage in safe in-app messaging and community chats to learn from other sapphic voices.
You are welcome on HER whether you are out, partially out, closeted, or simply curious. Connection often makes clarity easier.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I am really lesbian or bisexual?
Most people discover their orientation through patterns in feelings and fantasies, not experience. Try the label that feels most true right now and allow it to evolve.
Can sexuality change over time?
For some people, yes. Feelings and labels can shift as you learn more about yourself.
Is it okay to not use a label? Absolutely. Labels are optional tools, not requirements.
How do I talk about my sexuality with others?
Share only what feels safe and true when you are ready. Connecting with peers on HER can help build language and confidence.
Where can I find safe spaces and resources?
HER community features, local LGBTQ+ groups, and trusted educational resources can help you feel supported and less alone.
