Robyn Exton, Jill O'Sullivan, Mook Phanpinit
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Robyn Exton, Jill O'Sullivan, Mook Phanpinit
Apr 03, 2026
We hate to do the whole snowflake metaphor, but no two relationships look exactly alike… and that’s even more true when one partner is asexual, and the other isn’t.
Let’s clear something up right away: it is absolutely possible for mixed-orientation couples to thrive. Doing so often just means redefining intimacy, communicating clearly, and staying grounded in mutual respect.
If you’re wondering, “What if my partner isn’t asexual? Can it work?” The answer is yes! As long as both people nurture trust, curiosity and flexibility (which, you should be doing in any relationship. Just sayin’.), an ace and an allo can positively have a meaningful relationship. Here are eight ways to strengthen that bond.
In many cultures, sex is treated as proof of love, which is a pretty antiquated idea in 2026. For mixed-orientation couples (aka when one partner is asexual and the other is not), that belief can feel even more limiting or alienating.
Shifting your perspective can help both of you feel more secure. Instead of viewing sexual activity as the main measure of closeness and “proof” of your love for each other, focus on the other ways that intimacy shows up: shared rituals like cooking dinner together, late-night talks about memes, laughter, or other care gestures like grabbing medicine when you’re sick or remembering your favorite pop flavor.
| Sex as validation | Connection as validation |
| “If we’re not having sex, maybe we’re not close.” | “Our intimacy shows in the ways we share care and attention.” |
| “Sex is how I prove affection.” | “We build trust through time, kindness and emotional presence.” |
| “My worth depends on being desired.” | “My worth exists beyond sexual desire.” |
The more you practice defining connection as something that has emotional elements to it rather than something that’s 100% purely physical, the freer your relationship becomes.
Negotiating intimacy doesn’t mean compromising your identity. It means collaborating to respect both partners’ comfort levels. Talk openly about what types of touch, closeness, or other interactions feel good and which ones feel uncomfortable. Each partner’s preferences may shift over time, so it’s important to keep revisiting these talks.
Try conversation starters like:
Together, set guidelines for what’s on or off-limits, or agree on how often to connect physically, whether that’s weekly cuddles, date nights, or other small gestures. Some asexual partners might not enjoy frequent touching or kissing, so respect those boundaries and tailor affection to each person’s love language.
Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation marked by little or no sexual attraction to others. Respecting that identity is fundamental to trust. Any form of pressure, be it verbal, emotional or subtle, can erode safety and harm the relationship. Good partners don’t pressure the people they care about into doing things that cross their boundaries or hurt them, full stop.
If you’re the non-asexual partner, please make sure to remember that your partner’s orientation isn’t about your attractiveness. Ace folks can and do find people attractive. Avoid framing their asexuality as something to change, or that should be treated by a doctor, or something that they can somehow control. (I promise, we’ve heard it all and you’re not the first to think you have an idea how to “help”). Instead, express appreciation for their honesty and emotional clarity. Saying “thank you for sharing what’s true for you” builds far more closeness than “how can we fix this?”
When one partner experiences sexual desire, and the other doesn’t, solo sexual outlets can create balance without resentment. Masturbation or solo play is a healthy way to meet sexual needs while keeping pressure off the relationship.
You might discuss topics like:
These agreements don’t mean distance. It’s actually the opposite- they show emotional maturity and respect for individual needs.
Intimacy has range. That’s true for a couple. A shared whisper at a friend’s party, a sappy love text first thing in the morning, or an all-nighter together in bed are all COMPLETELY different acts, but they all have intimacy. Alternative forms of closeness like affectionate touches like forehead kisses and holding hands, emotional rituals like talking about your day, or creative collaboration like tackling a DIY or art project can be deeply fulfilling. Try what feels natural for you both.
We’ve got some ideas to help you get started:
Not all asexual people enjoy physical affection, so keep curiosity alive. Ask before touching, notice what feels soothing, and celebrate all the beautiful ways that your love evolves. HER’s community groups often share stories like these across the asexual and sapphic spectrum, offering space to learn how connection can expand.
Some conversations benefit from extra support, and there’s nothing wrong with getting a professional to help guide the way. A therapist or mediator can turn recurring conflicts and fights into clear, compassionate dialogue. Look for a professional who is LGBTQIA+ affirming or ace-competent.
Therapy can help:
Individual therapy may also help you process grief, confusion, or guilt if mismatched needs cause stress. Seeking support is an act of care, not defeat. We love mental health care.
Community makes everything feel lighter because you’ll know you’re not alone out there in the sapphic world. “Ace” is a common term for someone who is asexual or on the asexual spectrum. Exploring ace forums, books, or podcasts together can help both partners understand how others navigate similar relationships.
Shared learning deepens empathy and teaches you to see things from another perspective. Try reading about demisexuality, grey-asexual experiences, or relationship models that de-center sex. Join ace-positive online spaces or community-led events on HER to see how others design relationships that fit their rhythm. Learning together strengthens trust and reduces isolation.
Even with open communication and care, some relationships reach points where needs no longer align. That doesn’t make anyone the villain. It shows both partners are honoring their truth. Some relationships don’t last forever, and that’s okay.
Check in regularly:
If loneliness, guilt, or unmet needs persist, it may be time to consider a gentle shift, whether that’s restructuring the relationship or parting ways with care. Sometimes, letting go is the most loving move forward.
Understand that asexuality isn’t personal; centre open communication, respect boundaries, and invest in emotional closeness.
Agree on boundaries, nurture non-sexual affection, and consider solo outlets that balance comfort for both sides.
If discussions loop or either partner feels unseen or drained, a LGBTQIA+-affirming therapist can help you reconnect.
Yes, many people identify across the asexual spectrum. Keep learning what feels right together.
If honesty, respect, and curiosity remain constant, even when needs differ, your connection can continue to grow authentically.
Explore thoughtful community discussions on HER to find others who’ve navigated similar mixed-orientation paths.
Robyn Exton, Jill O'Sullivan, Mook Phanpinit
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
