12 Practical Ace Dating Tips Every Queer Woman Should Know

Dating as an ace-spectrum queer woman can feel like learning your own choreography- your pace, your rhythm, your rules, and even what music you’re listening to in the first place. Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone experiences little to no sexual attraction. This sits separately from romantic orientation, which is about who you want to date or partner with. (If you feel little to no romantic attraction, that’s called aromantic). 

So the answer to the huge question in the room is yes: asexual people absolutely can have romantic relationships, and many do, by building rich, fulfilling relationships through emotional intimacy, care, and chosen rituals. If you’re looking for asexual dating tips and advice rooted in sapphic lived experience, here are practical, pressure-free strategies you can use right now.

HER: A safe space for ace and queer women

Sapphic women on the ace spectrum deserve ace-friendly dating spaces where boundaries are honored, and connection isn’t measured by sexual pressure. HER was built around that exact sentiment: centering consent culture, identity nuance, and safer, community-first vibes. Our platform is inclusive (and supportive!) of asexual identities, reducing mismatches and stress during those early chats with new connections.

What this looks like in practice:

• Customizable profiles where you can name your orientation, pronouns, and relationship intentions without performing or explaining in every DM.
• An interactive Asexual community for folks who “get it”
• A asexual profile pin design so you can let your ace pride shine
• A culture that respects “no” and “not today” as normal answers.
• Robust privacy features that put you in control of how you date

If you want a deeper dive into how to date on your terms, explore HER’s ace dating hub.

1. Be straightforward in your profile

Think of your profile as both a soft boundary and a beacon. Share your identity (like “asexual,” “ace,” “demisexual,” “gray-ace”), romantic orientation (biromantic, homoromantic, aromantic, etc.), and intentions (“seeking a cuddle-forward romance,” “romance yes, sex no,” “open to QPP”). Use pronouns and labels that best identify you, and write an intention-driven bio: “Quality time > hookups. Love deep talks, long walks, and low-pressure connection.”

Being upfront filters out mismatches from the jump and invites the right people in. As one piece of AVEN community advice puts it, be upfront about your asexual identity; if someone can’t accept it, don’t waste your time. Your asexuality is valid, and you deserve someone who honors that fully.

2. Pick the right spaces for ace dating

Platform choice shapes your experience. Prioritize ace-inclusive and sapphic-first spaces that center safety and reduce sexual pressure.

Options to consider:

• HER for queer women, non-binary, and trans folks who value consent culture and nuanced identity options.
• Ace-focused communities like AceSpace: a community-first platform emphasizing solidarity over data-mining.
• Larger apps with orientation filters if you want more reach and customization.

Ace-friendly spaces are places where asexual identities and boundaries are assumed valid, sex isn’t a default expectation, and your “no” doesn’t need a dissertation on why.

3. Use a Yes/No/Maybe intimacy list

A Yes/No/Maybe list is a simple tool where each person notes what types of intimacy feel good, what’s completely off the table, and what might be something to explore under the right circumstances. It can include physical touch, emotional rituals, and day-to-day closeness, whatever intimacy means to you and your partner.

Here’s how it works: 

1. Each of you fills out the list separately.
2. Compare lists.
3. Circle the ones that you both have in common, then discuss any “maybe” items and agree on signals, pacing, and check-ins.

Intimacy type	Yes	No	Maybe
Holding hands	X
Kissing		X
Watching movies close	X
Sex		X
Writing love notes	X

Pro tip: Revisit as comfort shifts, consent, and preferences evolve. The more communication, the better.

4. Time your disclosure thoughtfully

You don’t owe your life story on message number one. That being said, sharing your ace identity and boundaries before expectations build can save you heartache in the long run. Try something low-pressure: “hey so, just so you know, I’m on the asexual spectrum. I’m excited about romance and affection, but sex isn’t a part of my relationships.” Early clarity helps avoid unsafe dynamics and mismatched goals.

Trust your gut on timing. Share once that basic connection is there, and lean on community threads if you need scripts or support. You’ve got this!

5. Set and revisit boundaries regularly

Boundaries are living, changing, evolving agreements, not one-time declarations for life. Consent is specific, ongoing, and revocable. “Well, you didn’t say no” is not consent. The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide underscores that boundaries can cover more than just sex: alone time, texting cadence, PDA, sleepovers, shared finances, and even holidays. Name what matters to you. 

Try check-in scripts:

• “How are you feeling about our level of touch lately? Is it good, or do you want more or less?”
• “I’m noticing I need more alone time this week. Can we plan one cozy date and one solo evening?”
• “I’m still a no on sex. Would more cuddle time feel good for you?”

They might feel a bit weird or stiff at first, but with the right person, checking in on boundaries and how you’re feeling will become second nature, and part of healthy growth in your relationship.

6. Practice phrases for keeping boundaries

Having a few phrases at the ready in your back pocket can calm your nervous system in the moment, so instead of freaking out, you feel confident and grounded, and ready for the conversation. Remember- it’s okay to be firm. Your boundaries are your own: period. 

• When it comes to declining: “I’m not comfortable with that.” “That’s a no for me.” “I don’t have sex, I don’t want to do that.” (Remember: No is a complete sentence!)
• For redirecting: “I’m not into that, but could we hold hands instead?” “Kissing’s a no for me, but do you want to watch a movie and curl up together?”
• For something more affirming: “I like slow mornings and hanging out together quietly. That feels really good to me.”

Direct isn’t rude. It’s self-protective and helps compatible partners find you.

7. Learn platform tools to signal compatibility

Use app features to communicate once, not 50 times. By being straightforward in your profile, you show your expectations for dating upfront, so anyone can see it from the first swipe. This saves you the time, stress, and headache of having to tell each new match, time and time again.

We recommend:

• Identity tags: short labels you add to your profile (e.g., asexual, demisexual, queerplatonic-seeking) so people understand your orientation and needs at a glance.
• Filters: tools that control who you see (e.g., orientation, relationship type), reducing mismatches.

On HER and similar apps, fill out profile prompts and questions that reflect your boundaries and dating pace so you don’t have to “out” yourself in every single chat.

8. Prioritize safety in all encounters

Your safety, both emotional and physical, is non-negotiable. Meet in public first, tell a friend your plans, and trust any vibe that gives you the ick. Common red flags include pressuring for sex, minimizing or blowing off your identity, boundary-pushing, or gaslighting; pressure corrodes trust. If they’re doing that- they’re not the one.

Quick safety checklist:

Safety step	Why it matters
Meet in a public place	Keeps exits, staff, and visibility nearby
Share your live location with a friend	Adds accountability and backup
Plan your own transportation	Lets you leave on your timeline, and prevents them from knowing where you live too soon
Set a check-in text time	Built-in pause to assess how you feel
Name a boundary upfront	Filters out people who won’t respect it

9. Embrace community support and resources

Community makes dating less scary. Join ace-focused forums, local meetups, and sapphic group chats to swap stories, compare scripts, and feel less alone. Accessible education and support resources can help you and your partners navigate asexuality.

10. Discuss creative and non-sexual intimacy

If you’re ace, you know that it’s not all about sex when it comes to bonding in a relationship. There are plenty of intimate acts that are still special and meaningful, even without the physical hook-up. Non-sexual intimacy is everything that grows closeness without sex: cuddling, slow dancing in the kitchen, co-op video games, art nights, playlist swaps, deep talks late into the morning, cooking new recipes together, or writing each other cute notes. Personal stories from ace people in love show how rituals like weekly check-ins, morning coffee walks, or handholding at shows, can be just as tender and meaningful as anything sexual. Map your “yeses,” try little experiments to see what clicks for you both, and celebrate what feels good.

11. Consider your relationship dynamics with intention

There’s no one right way to build an ace-centered life. Talk openly about structures that could fit both of you. For example, non-monogamy can be a negotiated solution when partners have differing sexual needs.

Note: There are plenty of monogamous asexual folks who are not interested in opening the relationship and that is 100% just as valid. This is aimed at folks who are intentionally seeking out other relationship styles. 

Structure	Possible benefits for ace folks	Challenges to navigate
Monogamy	Clear expectations; simplicity; deep focus	Misaligned sexual needs may require creativity
Non-monogamy (ENM)	Partners can meet needs in multiple ways	Requires strong boundaries, communication, and time management
Solo poly	Autonomy; relationships on your own terms	Social scripts may not validate it
Queerplatonic partnership	Explicit, committed intimacy without sex	Explaining QPPs to others; legal/structural gaps, misalignments in romantic connections

Revisit structure as needs change. What works today might evolve next year, and that’s okay.

12. Know when to walk away from pressure

If someone guilt-trips you, dismisses your asexuality, or keeps pushing boundaries, you’re allowed to leave. We’ll say it again louder: You are allowed to leave whenever you choose. 

Your “no” is enough. Ending a connection isn’t a failure. It’s self-trust and keeping yourself safe. Talk it out with friends or your community, and ask yourself: “Do I feel safe, seen, and respected here?” If not, you already have your answer. A good partner won’t pressure you for those things, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about for protecting your peace.

Frequently asked questions

What does it mean to be asexual and queer in dating?

Being asexual and queer means seeking connection and possibly romance with little to no sexual attraction, while also being a part of the LGBTQ+ community and its many relationship styles.

Can asexual people have fulfilling romantic relationships?

Absolutely yes! Ace-centered romantic relationships can be deeply satisfying, built on shared values, emotional intimacy, and creative, non-sexual closeness. Asexual folks can be just as deeply smitten, in love, happy, healthy, and long-term as those who are allosexual (that is, folks who do experience sexual attraction). 

How can ace folks communicate boundaries without feeling awkward?

Use simple, direct phrases like “I’m not comfortable with that” or “Can we try this instead?” With the right person, honesty feels easier, not risky.

What are some non-sexual ways to build intimacy in a relationship?

Cuddling, date nights, shared playlists, cooking, crafting time, walks, letter-writing, and regular emotional check-ins all build trust and closeness without sex.

How do I find ace-friendly dating spaces that respect my identity?

Seek LGBTQ+ and ace-inclusive apps like HER, local meetups, and online forums where asexuality is named and affirmed so you can date without pressure or stigma.