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Exploring lesbian sex: tips for your first time

Robyn Exton

Nov 17, 2022

Exploring lesbian sex: tips for your first time

We probably don’t need to remind you that we’ve grown up with cisheteronormative ideas of sex and romance or that the sexual education you’ve had up until this point was simply unfit for purpose. All things considered, we think it’s pretty awesome that you’ve made it here!

It may seem like everyone else has it all figured out, but in reality, we all seek advice when it comes to sex. Exploring your sexuality can feel daunting at first, but there’s a whole new world at the other end, a magic carpet ride and all. We’ve got you!

Read until the end, and you’ll find a little treat that will help you boost your inspiration for your first lesbian experience.


Preparing for your first lesbian experience

First, accept that your first time doing anything won’t be your best, although that doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Take the pressure off yourself, and it will be a great opportunity to explore your fantasies.

For that extra confidence boost, here are a few tricks to practice at home:

Get yourself in the mood. Feeling turned is as much your responsibility as it is your partner’s. After all, the brain (yes, the brain) is the most sexual organ. Ask yourself: When do I feel most turned on? What headspace do I need to be in to feel on top of the world?

Explore your own body. Time spent pleasuring yourself is valuable because you learn what makes you tick, tock, quiver, orgasm, squirt…you get the gist!

Do activities that make you feel calm and sexy. Take a bubble bath, move your body to some sexy tunes (can’t go wrong with King Princess, Ashnikko, or Rina Sawayama), and wear whatever makes you feel ravishing.

Trim your fingernails. Make sure you add this step to your hygiene routine. You can also use latex gloves for added protection.


The sexual explorer’s cheat sheet

  1. Verbal consent is important, always. It’s also incredibly endearing to have confirmation that your feelings are reciprocated. Consent can also be taken away at any point, by you or your partner, for any reason that feels valid to you or them.
  1. There’s no “right age” to experiment. You’re not “late to the party” – you’re where you’re supposed to be at this moment in time. Embrace and enjoy it!
  1. The recipe for great sex…well, it’s yours to write! There isn’t a fixed magic formula or a one-size-fits-all method. By all means, take advice from us or other people in your life, but figure out what works for you.
  1. It’s worth mentioning that not all women have vulvas, and not all people with vulvas identify as women. We acknowledge that the definition of lesbian sex can therefore vary, and hope that you will nonetheless find these tips useful.
  1. We urge everyone to engage in safe sex: use protection and get tested regularly.

Tips for a greater-than-average lesbian first-time experience

It’s your first time, so keep it simple. When it comes to communication, 5 key points are:

  • Share what you each enjoy in bed, so you know how to please each other.
  • Be sure to mention things which may be out of your comfort zone, and ask your partner to do the same.
  • During sex, voice how you’re feeling – reassurance can be incredibly hot!
  • Communication can also be non-verbal, e.g. a tremble or moan. Try to listen to how your partner reacts to stimulation.
  • For inspiration, try to reciprocate what the other person is doing.

Oral

Begin with light kissing of the thighs and around the vulva. When adding tongue, start with the tip of the tongue and gradually increase intensity. Sometimes, the tip of the tongue can be a little too intense for your partner. Try using the flat of your tongue in an up-down, or side-to-side motion too- see how the other person reacts and don’t be afraid to ask for pointers.

Fingering

Start with one finger (usually your middle finger) and ask your partner before adding more. If you want to add another, use your ring finger. Try the “come hither” technique, but be aware it doesn’t work for everyone and ask your partner how they like to be fingered.

Stimulating the clitoris

Wait until the other person is turned on/their clitoris is erect. Be gentle, it is very sensitive and you want to handle it with care.

You can use your finger, tongue, toys, dry humping etc. Get creative, and check in with your partner for advice.

Positions

Start comfortably! Some positions are better saved for later when you’re about to climax.

When focusing on your partner, whether for oral stimulation,  fingering or others, ask them to lie on their back and spread their legs. This is a great, uncomplicated beginners position- and if you lean over your partner to kiss them, from this position, they can stimulate you too. Double win!

69’ing is great fun for both partners, but at a point, you may prefer to swap and focus on one person at a time. Try sitting on your partner’s face, and vice versa, and scissoring – there’s a reason why it’s a classic.

Enhancers

Lube – don’t let dryness spoil your fun. We recommend water-based lube, as it is safer for vaginal play and silicone toys.

Sex toys! Don’t feel pressured to use sex toys for your first WLW experience, you may prefer to keep things simple. When you decide to, there is a plethora of sex toys available, including dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, clitorial massagers, butt plugs, anal beads and more! 

Some can be used for your or your partner’s pleasure, and some you can use together for mutual fun.


Last but not least – treat yourself to lesbian porn that you can feel good about!

Porn is the new sex education, and as much as free online porn can create unrealistic expectations about sex, ethically and safely produced porn can bring you a lot of inspiration and pleasure. Luckily, lesbian porn is no longer a genre created only for the male gaze. 

Directors like Erika Lust produce lesbian porn for the female gaze.

Erika Lust is a mother, a feminist, and an award-winning erotic filmmaker. Her sex-positive adult cinema is a more inclusive and cinematic alternative to mass-produced mainstream porn.

In a world where female sexuality is often dismissed, her films celebrate a wider perspective that shifts from conventional pornography and instead values diversity, inclusivity, and a safe work environment.

In 2019, she was named as one of the BBC 100 Women’s most influential women of the year and in 2022, her alternative vision of porn was featured in The New York Times.

Erika has been instrumental in promoting the benefits of the female gaze in adult cinema. In addition to filmmaking, she has written several books, and her story was featured in the Netflix documentary series ‘Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On (“Women on Top”)’, directed by Rashida Jones, and ‘Principles of Pleasure’, directed by Niharika Desai.

Erika has a strong voice that emphasizes the need for inclusive and informative sex education. The Porn Conversation is her non-profit platform, giving families and educators the tools to give ‘The Talk’ and provide comprehensive sex education to the younger generation.

In her e-commerce, The Store by Erika Lust, she creates collections gathering her best-selling movies. She recently launched Love is Love, a collection celebrating the freedom to love whoever you want, whenever you want. It includes 6 short movies portraying lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer love at its finest. 

You can purchase Love is Love with 45% off adding the code LUST4HER at the check-out!


This article was written in collaboration with the Erika Lust team.

Robyn Exton

Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.

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