Robyn Exton, Katie Torres, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Robyn Exton, Katie Torres, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat
Mar 11, 2022
The only way to know for sure if a girl is a lesbian or queer is if she tells you. You can ask respectfully, share your own sexuality first, or bring up dating naturally, but avoid making assumptions based on how she looks or acts.
Figuring out whether a girl is gay is a pretty common lesbian struggle. There’s no one way to “look” queer, so you can’t reliably tell someone’s sexuality from their appearance, style, or mannerisms. If your gaydar, that gut feeling that someone else might be LGBTQ+, is going off but you’re not quite certain, there are a few respectful ways to approach the subject.
If you’re romantically interested in this person, bringing it up can feel nerve-racking. Putting yourself out there is hard, but sometimes making a connection means stepping a little outside your comfort zone. If you still can’t bring yourself to ask directly, don’t fret. There are plenty of subtler ways to bring up sexuality without putting someone on the spot.
Keep reading to learn how to ask your girl crush if she’s queer, what not to assume, and what to do once you get your answer.
The most obvious way to find out if a girl is gay is to just ask, plain and simple. You could ask, “Do you date women?”or “Are you part of the LGBTQIA+ community?” depending on what you actually want to know. It might feel awkward, but there’s no totally awkward-proof way to pop the question. If the moment feels right, you might as well rip off the Band-Aid and ask.
If you’re asking in person, choose a private moment rather than putting her on the spot in front of other people. She might not be out to everyone, and sharing her sexuality could have personal or safety implications you don’t know about. There’s also no shame in asking over text if you’re finding it too hard to bring up in person.
Also, remember that you don’t necessarily need to know someone’s sexual orientation before asking them out. If the vibe feels right, you can offer a clear, low-pressure invitation and let them decide. If they’re interested, great. If they’re not, respect the answer and keep it moving.
Trust us! We know how hard it is to make a move, and want to make it a little bit easier. Whether you’re looking for a serious or casual relationship, HER allows you to check out verified profiles and get to know other real queer folks (and way safer than a random lesbian chat).
Of course, your own safety matters too. If you’re not sure how someone feels about LGBTQIA+ people, consider the situation and what feels safe before disclosing your sexuality or flirting openly.
If you don’t feel brave enough to plainly ask, we get it. It’s hard to put yourself out there sometimes! Here are some more subtle ideas to bring up the topic of queerness:
This has been used as a playful way of asking whether someone likes girls. Just remember that knowing, loving, or having absolutely no idea who Girl in Red is doesn’t actually tell you someone’s sexuality.
Bringing up queer shows, music, or pop culture can open the door to a conversation about sexuality naturally. Just don’t assume that being obsessed with The L Word automatically makes someone queer.
Talking about LGBTQ+ issues can help you understand how comfortable someone is discussing queerness. Being passionate about LGBTQIA+ rights doesn’t mean someone is queer, though, so don’t treat allyship as proof.
If you feel safe doing so, mentioning your own sexuality can give her an opening to share hers without you asking directly. If she doesn’t, don’t push.
If the vibe already feels flirty, you can gently test the waters and see whether she reciprocates. Flirting back can suggest she’s interested, but it still doesn’t tell you exactly how she identifies.
Asking whether she’s seeing anyone can naturally open up a conversation about dating without requiring her to label her sexuality.
Hopefully, these subtle tactics can help open up the conversation. But remember, none of them can tell you someone’s sexuality for sure. If you still want to know, you can always go back to step one and ask respectfully.
Congrats! Now you know, but remember that being queer doesn’t automatically mean she’s interested in you. If you’re interested, ask her out! Keep it clear and low-pressure, and let her decide whether she feels the same way.
If she says no to a date, respect her answer. Everyone has different types, circumstances, and feelings, and her sexuality doesn’t guarantee attraction.
If she tells you she isn’t into women, give yourself credit for putting yourself out there and asking respectfully.
If she seems uncomfortable or doesn’t want to answer, don’t push. She may not be out, may still be figuring things out, or may simply want to keep her sexuality private.
Yes, as long as you ask respectfully and give them space not to answer. If possible, ask privately so you don’t accidentally put someone in a position where they have to come out.
Don’t push her to tell you or anyone else. Let her decide when, where, and whether she wants to share her sexuality.
Keep it casual and respectful. You could ask, “Do you date women?” or “Do you identify as LGBTQIA+?” and make it clear there’s no pressure to answer.
Don’t argue or push for an explanation. Give her space, respect her boundaries, and prioritize your own safety if the reaction becomes hostile.
HER is the dating app for connecting LGBTQ+ women and queer folks. Download the HER app today to connect with lesbians in your area and find your chosen family.
Robyn Exton, Katie Torres, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
