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How Do I Ask a Girl If She’s Lesbian or Queer?

Mar 11, 2022

How Do I Ask a Girl If She’s Lesbian or Queer?
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  • Despite more people than ever feeling free to come out as their authentic selves, a common lesbian struggle remains – figuring out whether a girl is gay. Although being queer doesn’t need to be defined by a ‘look’, it can be especially hard to tell when she doesn’t meet those ‘stereotypical’ characteristics. If your gaydar is going off, but you’re not quite certain, there are many ways you can go about asking someone if they are gay or in the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

    If you’re romantically interested in this person, it might feel like a nerve-wracking conversation to bring up. Putting yourself out there is hard, but it’s only when we step out of our comfort zones that we can make connections with others! If you still can’t bring yourself to ask the big question, “Are you gay or what?” don’t fret. There are plenty of more subtle ways you can approach the subject of sexuality.

    Keep reading to learn how to ask your girl crush if she’s gay, as well as what to do with your answer to take things to the next level.

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    Just Ask!

    The most obvious way to ask if a girl is gay is to just ask – plain and simple. You can ask upfront, “Are you gay?,” or a little more chill, “Hey, I’m curious if you identify as LGBTQ+?”. It might feel awkward to ask, but know there is no fully awkward-proof way to pop this question. That being said, you might as well rip off the bandaid and finally get your answer!

    If you’re asking in person, maybe make sure you’re not too close to other people – she or they might not be comfortable announcing their answer to the whole world yet! There’s also no shame in asking over text if you’re finding it too hard to bring up in person.

    Also, remember you don’t necessarily need to know someone’s sexual orientation before asking them out. Asking people out without knowing their sexual orientation is a great way to break down heteronormative structures. If they want to go out, they’ll say yes! And if not, they’ll say no. It’s really that simple! 

    Of course, it’s always important to make sure you’re in a safe situation as an LGBTQIA+ individual. However, if you’re vibing together, we’re assuming that even if they’re not gay, they are supportive of the community. If you catch any signs of the opposite, at least you now know who to avoid.

    More Subtle Ways to Ask if She’s A Lesbian

    If you don’t feel brave enough to plainly ask, we get it. It’s hard to put yourself out there sometimes! Here are some more subtle ideas to bring up the topic of queerness:

    • Ask, “Do you listen to girl in red?”. As you most likely know by now, this is code for ‘do you like girls?’. If they respond with ‘no’ or seem confused, then there’s your answer!
    • Talk about queer shows/ pop culture. Bring up a queer show, like The L Word, and gauge their response. If they’re also obsessed with that show and start raving about their favorite character, there’s a good chance they’re also queer. You can also bring up a more popular show like Euphoria and ask what they think about a certain WLW romance.
    • Bring up LGBTQ+ issues. Talk about something else queer-related, like LGBTQ+ rights, gender issues, or struggles of being a lesbian. If they get equally as passionate about queer issues, there’s likely a good reason.
    • Come out to them. Reveal your own sexuality and see how they respond. You can casually bring up being a gay or queer person, and if they say, “Oh, me too!,” then you’ve cracked the code.
    • Try flirting. Test the waters by being a little flirty and seeing what happens. If they start flirting back, there’s a good chance they’re also queer and liking your vibe too!
    • Ask if they’re seeing anyone. You can ask if they have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to gain some more info on their dating preferences. If they do have someone, then you know they’re taken. If not, they may bring up an ex, and you can get closer to your answer.
    • Ask their friend. Still too shy to ask them personally? You can always ask one of their friends up-front if they know their sexuality. This can be one of least anxiety-inducing ways to get your answer, so it’s definitely a good option.

    Hopefully, these subtle tactics will help you figure out if your crush is gay. If you still can’t get your answer, you may have to resort to step one: just ask! There’s typically no harm in asking, and no matter what happens, at least you’ll finally know the answer.

    What If She Says Yes?

    Congrats! Your gaydar was correct. Now, you can decide what you want to do next with that information. If you’re interested in pursuing them further, ask them out on a date! Although asking people out can feel awkward or even scary, progress in pursuing relationships can only be made when we put ourselves out there. 

    If she says ‘no’ to a date, don’t take it personally. Everyone has different types and not everyone wants to date– it’s not always about you! At least now you’ve gained a new gay friend. Plus, you never know what can happen in the future as you get to know each other better.

    What If She’s Not A Lesbian?

    If they turn out to be straight, be proud of yourself for going out of your comfort zone and asking.

    Keep in mind that perhaps someone who triggered your gaydar isn’t out yet – don’t push them further if they seem uncomfortable. 

    If this person seems uncomfortable around you in a different way after bringing up homosexuality, it may be a sign they’re not the kind of person you thought, but now you know who to distance yourself from. You deserve to feel loved, accepted, and supported by the people around you. Know there are plenty of lesbians and queer people out there waiting to meet you! 

    HER Can Help

    HER is the dating app for connecting LGBTQ+ women and queer folks. Download the HER app today to connect with lesbians in your area and find your chosen family.

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    Katie is a writer and creative person based in Seattle who is passionate about the arts, environmental justice, and all things vintage fashion. She celebrates queerness as a natural yet radical state of being, and she strives to make the world a more inclusive place for all. You can find her taking meditative strolls in the rain forests of the Pacific Northwest channeling her inner Bella Swan, or just on IG @ktmarieeee.

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