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Mastering the art of sapphic flirting: your guide to confidently chatting with women

Robyn Exton

Nov 14, 2023

Mastering the art of sapphic flirting: your guide to confidently chatting with women

Communication is a skill you train all the time, and some people have a little more practice than others. Some people – ahem, maybe you? – need a little push, especially those who want to find it easier to chat and flirt with other women who love women.

Sliding into someone’s DMs is one thing, and walking up to someone at a bar is a whole other playing field. You can read on to learn the best ways to get over the fear of rejection and jump into the world of lesbian dating apps and IRL dating! 

From the best opening lines and queer online dating tips, to answers to the age-old question, “How do I meet women near me?!” Look no further than this article here. 

Let’s get chatting! 

How to flirt with women: a crash course

The first way to talk with women is to find them! And what is the best way to find other queer women? Many find success by engaging with local LGBTQ+ organizations, frequenting queer-friendly spaces, and connecting via online platforms specifically catered to the queer community – like HER! But more on that later. 

Once you’ve found out how to meet other lesbians and LGBTQIA+ women, now it’s time to talk to them! As we said, communication is a skill, but approaching women for dating purposes doesn’t have to be different than trying to make a friend or telling someone on a train platform that you like their shoes. 

Try not to put too much pressure on the act of flirting or simply talking because, after all, even if women seem like beautiful celestial beings – they are human – like you, like me. So treat them as such!

White speech balloon superimposed on a fuschia-colored background, representing the act of talking with women.

Have a killer opening line

The best opening lines are the ones that roll right off the tongue and take your interlocutor off their guard. Like any kind of communication, it takes skill to master the best of all opening lines. Luckily for you, HER offers a free opening lines generator that you can use the next time you match with someone on HER! 

Now if you’re wondering how to start conversations with lesbian women online, our opening lines generator is probably the best place to start. The next best thing? Practice! The more you talk to people, the more comfortable you’ll get. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to tell if you’re improving or not, but at the end of the day, it’s not a race. The point is to make a connection, so it’s not about how fast you get there, it’s about at least trying.

Reflect on the question: Is she flirting with me?

If you’re in someone’s DMs and are trying to figure out how to take the next step with them and flirt with them, you might even be asking if they’re flirting with you.

Queer Dating Coach Ariella – who spent years coaching queer women on dating and is now on their way up the ranks of Broadway – has some pretty insightful gems for this question:

“How can I tell if someone is flirting with me through text message?” 

Queer Dating Coach Ariella

Ariella’s answer starts from within: don’t try to mindread other people; instead, reflect on why you feel like you have to know if someone is flirting with you. Ariella is firm about the power of transparency: ask the person if they’re flirting with you! Because if they say yes, it can give you the green light to flirt back! 

There’s always a caveat to these things, though, and Ariella admits to it:

“Sometimes, those flirty/confusing/butterfly-ey feelings that can be present at the beginning stages of dating can be so sweet. That unknown can be deliciously exciting. But if you’re not enjoying basking in the unknown of a situation, ask for clarity. We don’t need to keep playing detective.”

Queer Dating Coach Ariella

So, there you have it – it’s up to you if you want to keep that mysterious excitement, but it’s also completely reasonable to look for certainty and be straightforward in asking if the person is flirting with you, too.

Ask questions and remember their answers

When walking into your first date, a helpful tip is to ask questions and remember the answers. Be curious about your date because the point of a first date is intentionally getting to know your person better.

And just like the right opening line, the right questions can open up even the most guarded person. Consider studying some dating questions, especially if you already have difficulties thinking on the spot. 

Flirting is not the be-all-end-all of dating

Okay, for all this talk about flirting, you might get the idea that if you can’t flirt with someone, you’re doing something wrong. If that’s the case – stop! The ability to flirt is not by any means a measurement of your ability to chat with women in general or your ability to get a partner. There really is no Olympic medal for flirting.

That being said, if flirting is a skill you want to get better at, it all comes down to practice, patience, and more practice! 

Three women chat on a bench at a local queer bar, a good option for finding other queer women.

Where to find women to chat with: it’s not as hard as it seems

Okay, so you’ve got some opening lines in your back pocket. Now you’re wondering, “Where can I find women to chat?” A simple answer to this would be: go where the people are! 

A coffee shop, a bookstore, a bar, a book club – these are all places where you can find other queer women. Now, it’s completely understandable if these are not necessarily safe places to be queer. That’s when explicitly queer public spaces, like an LGBTQIA+ center, and online communities like HER can step in and create those spaces for you. 

Even if you’re finding it difficult to find other women to date, consider chatting with women for friendship, too. Friendships and romantic relationships are not better than the other. In fact, while some people can live without romantic partners – like aromantics – human beings benefit tremendously from human connection in the form of friendship. 

On top of that, sometimes romantic relationships can bloom from friendships, so don’t neglect friendship-building in the pursuit of romance! 

Set and setting matters when flirting with women

So, are you sliding into someone’s DMs? Or going into a bar with your wingperson, intent on making some real connections? Your decision can vary on the weather, your mood, or where you are at any given moment. There’s no right or wrong here, so long as you’re approaching chatting with women from a place of respect and not forgetting that the whole process should be fun! 

Chatting with women in real life gives more opportunity for connection and really being able to feel if there’s actual chemistry between you. But you should also consider distractions and noises, especially if you’re noise-sensitive and/or neurodivergent. Unless you’re looking for a long-distance relationship, you probably want to work towards being able to interact with your match in real life, in which case you always have the option to meet in more quiet settings, like off-peak hours at a café.

The benefit of online dating is that you don’t get distracted by the real-life noises of a bar or whatever social event you’re at, and you can take your time responding to someone (be careful with ghosting people, though!) On the other hand, texting leaves room for a lot of misinterpretation when we can’t read someone else’s body language. 

If you’re wondering how to respectfully slide into someone’s DMs, Queer Dating Coach Ariella has some more solid advice, saying that you should reflect on how you would feel if someone slid into your DMs to say something. Of course, this approach is limited in itself, as your biases will appear. So take this advice with a grain of salt!

A non-binary lesbian smiles as they read something on their phone, probably an online chat with another queer woman.

Celebrating your growth on HER, the lesbian dating app

Now you’ve made it! You’ve got your killer opening line for sliding into someone’s DMs, you know the best ways to find other queer women, and now you’re wondering how to prepare for a date as a WLW. Slow down a little though, because you should take some time to celebrate yourself! Mustering up the courage to talk to beautiful awesome women is no easy feat, even if it feels like a lot of other people have it a lot easier. So we at HER celebrate you.

Give yourself a pat on the back, because adult dating is not easy. The best online dating tips are the honest ones, ones that take into consideration that not every one person has the same communication style, culture, or love language as the next – and it takes practice to get into the swing of dating. So enjoy the journey and happy dating! 

Robyn Exton

Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.

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