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Oct 06, 2023
No two polyamorous people or relationships are alike, so it makes sense that representations of polyamory in books, art, film, and music aren’t either!
The beauty of polyamory, in my humble opinion, is how it’s so multi-faceted and validates the uniqueness of each person involved when done right. It isn’t always pretty or easy, but there’s often something valuable to learn and receive.
Appropriately, songs about polyamory are (almost) as diverse as the constellations of your sweet polyam stars. That’s why you’ll see the somber alongside the sparkly, represented in a polyamorous playlist (when done right).
Of course, plenty of songs feature non-consensual (and non-ethnical) non-monogamy (i.e., cheating). These aren’t those. Not all the following songs have a happy ending, but they’re all centered around consensual, ethical, and (more or less) respectful non-monogamy.
So here it is, a playlist of inclusive songs for polyamorous couples and non-monogamous relationships curated specially for you by me. Whether you’re a veteran polyam consent queen, a curious newbie, or an appreciative ally, this one’s for you.
Source: Minka Guides
Let’s start with a goldie from the “oldies” of 2009! Precisely as the name suggests, this French song depicts the novelty and challenges of a steamy and emotional non-monogamous relationship with three people, doing so in a cheeky fashion.
Like many songs about polyamory, “L’amour à trois” leaves room for interpretation as it opts to dance light-hearted and playful with the theme while normalizing the shit out of it. I mean, I love the honesty: “I love / Making love / Preferably three-way / It’s totally outdated / It’s hippie shit / But I’ll say it out loud: / I love three-way love!”
The song’s flavor of casual non-monogamy is pretty badass. It is simultaneously mischievous and respectable in the face of sexual taboos and conservatism that didn’t exist in their world. “Fuck your standards,” the song seems to say, “We actively invite creative things to happen to us.”
Check out the song’s totally 00’s reminiscent music video:
Not gonna lie. I LOVE this one – it’s a bop, and between the song itself and the video (I’ve included the director’s cut for your viewing pleasure), it launched me through all kinds of sexual revival when it was released.
“Girls/Girls/Boys” sets the scene for a dramatic, complex, and potentially problematic multi-player situationship. The song is ambiguous, but my take is that the female love (lust?) interest of the speaker is damn queer and dates him to a) hide that fact from others but also b) because she doesn’t want to choose between the two.
This intersection of queerness with polyamory here is worth highlighting because our orientations can influence the expression of our relationships in ways we might not expect. Sometimes, the inclusivity of polyamory is that we may find our way to embody our complete sexuality, even without a precedent to follow.
After all, we do say that queerness is a spectrum. Not every place along it is obvious or effortless to reach, so doing so requires a creative solution. It might not seem like “Girls/Girls/Boys” is, therefore, one of those polyamory-positive songs, but there’s nothing more poly than unraveling a complex arrangement in my books.
With a dark and broody sound, this song by Scottish indie band, Arab Strap, explores the quintessential poly feeling of compersion.
“Compersion” is the experience of happiness, joy, and even pride in seeing one’s partners happy with others – pretty much the opposite of jealousy. Of course, while many people have this feeling, it may not necessarily come naturally, immediately, or easily.
This song shows this gradual process as the speaker opens their relationship with their “taciturn temptress” to “a bride and a blushing groom.” It seems to work out pretty well because the speaker says “exclusion jealousy” is “one… I haven’t worn” as he watches the other three enjoy “some fluid bonding.”
I appreciate that “being the perfect polyamorous partner” isn’t portrayed as happening right away. Many of us, myself included, have found the harmony, acceptance, and compersion we enjoy today. Even if you’re certain that polyamory is for you, whether you’re only a few months in or many years, you’re allowed to grow into things.
So for that, way to go, Arab Strap!
“Multi-Love” by Unknown Mortal Orchestra (UMO) tells the true story of Ruben Nielson’s, the band’s frontman, unintentional journey into a multi-loving family constellation.
On tour, Nielsen met and developed an intimate relationship with a woman who ultimately became his and his wife’s third partner.
Their emotional connection is rich, but there are complications (visa-related, among them) along the way that also make the experience overwhelming for Nielson. The band’s whole album of the same name explores many resulting emotions with great honesty.
The “Multi-Love” song and album are powerful in the way that they portray this particular polyamorous scenario to be as rewarding, complex, and damning, at times, as any other relationship.
UMO drops the fanfare of typical polyam representation (until that point, 2015) to focus not on differences but on the emotional dynamics, both mundane and mighty, to which most of us can probably relate.
Most of you know it, but did you ever consider how “Mambo Number 5” is a polyamorous confession? The speaker spends quality time with Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Mary, AND Jessica. And that’s just for now.
He doesn’t specify what he’s doing with all these women, so it’s possible he’s a consent-oriented, communicative gentleman. He’s thought about his timelines and desires, and he apparently turns down the superficial. If both of these carry throughout his life, he could be a decent example of a healthy polyamorous human being.
Of course, I also wonder if he’s close to polysaturation (i.e., burnout or at least a fully booked schedule from having too many partners), but he still seems pretty happy at the end, so… if it works, it works!
A list of love songs about polyamory wouldn’t be complete without some input from our free-loving hippie elders. “Triad” is a gorgeous song by the great Jefferson Airplane, one I’d recommend with or without the poly.
But it does have the poly and SUCH a simple, logical, compelling message: “I don’t really see / Why can’t we go on as three?”
The simple appeal of “Let’s just feel our feelings” makes it an anthem to the classic core of polyamory: honoring the abundance of desire, pleasure, attraction, and love as it emerges organically within us.
Polyamory isn’t about pushing to achieve a large body count. For me, it’s exclusively about being authentic and respecting our natural connections, even if we spend our entire intimate life with only one person.
“Triad” is a beautiful reminder that our love and attraction can be as simple as saying yes, even if they don’t look how our environments may have told us they should. We can always just “try something new.”
Not every non-monogamous encounter is inspiringly romantic and intended for the long term. There is also a wide spectrum of connections that come with far less attachment.
“In the Middle” gives us the situation of someone starting a threesome between herself, her current lover, and a connection of the past. We don’t get many details on the participants or their motivations, but we know it’s an unusual pairing, even for the instigator: “Could be weird, but I think I’m into it.”
And yet, it works. The trio is looking for sex, obviously, but… perhaps there’s also more to it. They may not be looking to become a triad of “sisters, lovers, water brothers” like Jefferson Airplane, but the song suggests something to bring together among the three of them, some “closure” to be had through sexuality. Who knows what?
Sometimes, polyamory is just a big fluid journey, which this song highlights. You’re looking for pleasure. You want to see what happens. You don’t know what’s out there until you do.
How about you? Would you also dare to see what you find as you flow?
Some people arrive at polyamory for creative expression or to find new ways to spark their sexuality and libido. Within this group (and beyond), polyamory goes hand-in-hand with a hedonistic approach to life, a quest for the greatest pleasure this world offers.
“The Cult of Dionysus” illustrates this tendency in someone who seeks to spread “a message of love” and “a mission of hope” to those around them.
The vision isn’t only to fill their days with “wine and women and wonderful vices” (although there will clearly be plenty of that, too)… but to renew their “lust for life” and for “everyone, everywhere [to] be the envy of the gods above” in their joy.
This song speaks of physical, materialistic, earthly pleasures (enhanced by polyamorous intimacy) alongside a delightful and meaningful divinity richly experienced by those who allow themselves to live “wild and free.”
Like the previous song, “The Cult of Dionysus” points out that rather than being superficial and thoughtless, focusing on pleasure can also indicate respect for our authentic desires and the opportunities of our divine humanity.
For some people, the prospect of non-monogamy makes them fear the fluidity of their partner between several others and the potential scarcity that could result. Because of this, there seems to be no choice but to hold on tight.
Sound relatable? Feeling possessive about our partners may appear logical. Still, one thought in polyamory meets this instinct by suggesting our connections happen organically (without planning or logic) rather than being locked in like puzzle pieces. Thus, “control” can only be an illusion. As “With You” says, “I’m not yours, you’re not mine / We just happen to combine.”
But the song tackles the realness of this scarcity and the weight its influence puts in our lives when it says, “What kind of fear makes us stay / I don’t want my life to be on hold.” Here, the fluidity of “alternative relating” really shines.
Who have we chosen to connect with (or not) because of our fears? Do the relationships we’ve built nourish or limit us? Can we dare to be and do all our life needs even if our love and attractions sometimes feel risky?
For some of us, our polyamory can be the ground to explore these questions. So, if this isn’t a love song about polyamory, I don’t know what is.
To round off our positively polyamorous playlist is “Perils of Poly,” a hilarious (yet truthful) poke at the… unique challenges that can and do come up among partners and their polycules (someone’s expanded poly network).
Polyamorous living can be, on one hand, a delicious, hedonistic dream as described in “The Cult of Dionysus.” Still, the reality also hits, and things go sideways, as in any relationship. From STD scares with partners’ partners’ partners to too little free time to doubting and/or feeling guilty for your non-monogamy to the blessing of finding a “hot bi babe,” this song exposes some of the hiccups you may find within polyamory.
Since that’s true, the good news is that you no longer have to worry about nearly as many hidden perils on the path. And, of course, this song is meant to be in good fun. All of these challenges can and do happen, but chances are high they won’t be dramatic or treacherous when you reach them.
Surprise! I couldn’t resist ending on a bright, heartwarming note with the delightful MIKA. Although it doesn’t specifically speak of polyamory, I love this song’s blatant inclusivity and sense of liberated love.
I’ll let the lyrics speak for themselves: “‘Cause my house is your house, there’s room for you / It’s my house / Ain’t no walls you can keep my heart in / Ain’t no walls I won’t lock you out.”
When we navigate different configurations of relationships, especially those new to us, the biggest gift we can give ourselves and others involved is a gentle, loving, and open heart.
We should always recognize and stand by our boundaries, but intimacy – polyamorous or otherwise – is our own journey, and being open to all of it within our boundaries can only serve us.
It IS your house, and if you find that you don’t have traditional walls, MIKA is here (and me, too!) cheering you on to make it your own.
I hope these songs made you smile and gave you something to think about. Polyamory is such a wide-open world, and getting inspired is nice! Let your imagination run free, and enjoy!
Jillian Gogel is a writer and editor living her queer futchy dream life in Berlin. When not writing for clients, she is sharing her poetry and building intimate, creative, queer-celebrating community on her Joy Journeys Substack publication (@jillianjoy). She cares about dogs, yoga, sexual liberation, and holding space for exploring self-intimacy in all ways.
