Blog Post

What Is Lesbian Bed Death And How Can You Stop It?

By Emily

The myth of “lesbian bed death” has been scaring lesbians and their girlfriends since 1983.  The term was coined by sociologist Pepper Schwartz who, with some very debatable methodology, reached the conclusion that committed lesbian couples have less sex than any other types of couples.

Ever since then, women have feared a decline in sexual appetite and have often felt that LBD is an inevitable outcome of being gay.  But it’s not true, people!  The real story is that lack of sexual desire or activity is a problem that affects all kinds of couples, not just lesbians.  There are a million and one reasons for the need for your libido to slow down a bit or stop altogether.  Got kids, busy job, rough spot in your relationship, fallen out of love, can’t find time to be romantic with each other or just bored?  Do any of these issues sound specific to lesbians?  Thought not.

lostgirlhotBecause your sex life won’t always look like this.  Imgur.

Just because you’re a woman who likes women, it doesn’t mean you’re destined for a sexless marriage, it just means you might have to work on things if this happens to you, a lot like everything else in your life.
Dr. Glenda Corwin once did a great interview with Curve magazine and explains the effort needed to maintain a good sex life: “The Myth of Spontaneity is the biggest stumbling block.  We cling to this notion that sex should happen spontaneously, without having to really pay attention and make some effort. What else do we approach that way? Hardly anything. If you want to be physically fit, you go exercise. If you want a close family life, you spend time with your family. If you want a sexually intimate relationship, you need to be intentional about it, and stop relying on a nonexistent impulse to drive this.”

So how do you combat a case of bed death?  Have a look at our top tips to stop things going stale and spice up your sexytimes:

  • To keep the intimacy going, no matter if you’re straight, lesbian or bisexual, it’s essential to communicate with your partner.  If you’re unhappy, stressed, need a change of pace or just need to reconnect with your partner, the only way you’re going to change things is by talking to each other.
  • Sex toys are generally always a good idea, if you’re wondering why, it’s because they give you orgasms, but they’re especially useful if you’re trying to rekindle some fires.  Try reading our sex toy reviews for inspiration.
  • Making time for each other is crucial; it’s hard to have sex with each other if you’re not in the same room.  Work days can be long and the kids might be screaming the house down but if you can’t spare five minutes to have a big, snoggy make out sesh with your partner, things aren’t going to improve.
Make-up-kiss-bo-and-lauren-33487348-245-245Try making it look like this every once in a while. Images6.
  • Sexting.  Don’t roll your eyes; all the cool kids are doing it.  If you text your partner something sexy in the morning about how you’re going to greet them that evening wearing nothing but whipped cream and a smile, something’s going to happen.  Once you’re out of the honeymoon period, you’ve got to put the effort in.  And if that means smothering Nutella on your nether regions to spice up a Tuesday night, then do it!
  • If the problem is that you just don’t have the body confidence you once did, do something that makes you feel good inside and out.  Could you climb trees with your toenails?  Get a pedicure.  Has it been over six months since you last had your tresses trimmed?  Treat yourself to a new haircut.  If your underwear has more holes in it than it’s supposed to, pop out and get something sexy.  You might think these are superficial things to do but think about it, if you had a super important job interview, would you dress to impress?  Yeah, you would and you should treat how your partner sees you as equally important.  If you feel powerful, in control and like you could do anything, you’ll express confidence to your partner that you’re still in this relationship and want to keep it alive in the bedroom.

At the end of the day, just remember, there’s more to life than sex but, if possible, have as much sex as you can with the person you want to have sex with.  It’s good for the soul.

Front image credit: createloveforwomen

emily150Emily is the Community Manager of Dattch as well a part-time film reviewer and full-time cookie monster.  She can’t walk in heels, is a crossbreed of Essex girl and Londoner and makes cupcakes like nobody’s business.  Find further nonsense from Emily on Twitter @moulder5000