Questioning whether you’re actually attracted to men or moving through comphet can feel disorienting, like trying to untangle a necklace in the dark. Compulsory heterosexuality, often called comphet, is the cultural pressure to treat straightness as the default. It can blur the line between what you genuinely desire and what you’ve been taught to expect from yourself by the media, society, and the people around you.
There’s no pass or fail here. No rush. No deadline. Just you listening to your body, your emotions, and your history with care.
HER’s perspective on comphet and attraction
In sapphic spaces, comphet comes up often because the straight script is loud and constant. It shows up in media, family expectations, dating norms, and even in how we’re taught to understand desire itself. It might look like only seeing straight couples as romantic leads in movies, or that nagging question of “When are you going to find the right man?” asked by your aunt from out of town at Thanksgiving. Or even the idea that you might have only been taught about hetero relationships in sex ed, while queerness was put on the back burner. Comphet describes the pressure that positions heterosexuality as the default or what’s “normal”, which can lead queer women and non-binary people to misinterpret or suppress their attraction to women. (see this clear overview of compulsory heterosexuality)
The goal is not to force a label- it’s just to feel more like yourself. Many people find clarity not through certainty, but through community. HER’s groups and spaces are built for exactly this kind of exploration, where “I’m still figuring it out” is a complete, understood, and respected answer.
The patterns below are common reflections many sapphics notice while questioning. If some resonate, that’s not a verdict. It’s information you can use to reflect. And you don’t have to explore it alone. On HER, you’ll find sapphics unpacking these same questions with patience, honesty, and zero pressure to land anywhere before you’re ready.
1. You keep testing your attraction to men, but it feels conceptual
If you find yourself running mental experiments to see whether you’re attracted to men, that can be a sign worth noticing. Maybe you choose someone to focus on, hoping feelings will arrive later. (Remember in high school when all the girls around you were swooning over some hot pop guy and you just didn’t get it?) Maybe you try to imagine a future with a man who seems fine on paper but feels emotionally flat, and isn’t really what you want in a future relationship.
This kind of attraction often feels like a checklist rather than a pull. Many people describe it as trying to convince themselves instead of responding to desire. Validation, attention, compliments, or even safety can feel good without being attraction, and noticing that difference matters. (see these common comphet signs)
You might recognize this if:
You imagine dating a man and feel bored or disconnected.
You pick someone to “try” to be attracted to, but it just doesn’t click.
You’re chasing what you think you should want, not what actually makes you happy.
2. Admitting attraction to women brings relief, not panic
For many sapphics, acknowledging an attraction to women feels like finally setting something heavy down. The swirl of confusion settles down and gets more in focus and all that loud noise of arguing with yourself gets quieter. Even if fear or uncertainty remains (which is totally normal, by the way), there’s often a sense of internal rightness or peace. There’s something about saying “I love women” bluntly, even if it’s just alone in your room, that just feels right.
This doesn’t require a clean backstory or a tidy scheduled calendar on when to be queer. Plenty of people date men for years before recognizing their queerness. That timeline is normal, and it’s totally okay if it evolves over time. If naming attraction to women brings clarity or calm, that’s meaningful.
You may notice:
Butterflies for women; stress or fog with men.
Energy returns when you let yourself say it out loud.
Life feels less like work and more like breath.
3. Emotional connection with men feels obligatory but sexually unsatisfying
Comphet might feel like what you’re “supposed to do,” even if at your core, you’re feeling that what you’re “supposed to do” isn’t settling right with you. You might even enjoy emotional caretaking or the social safety of a boyfriend, while sex feels meh, performative, or exhausting. Many folks try to force liking it, hoping (or assuming) that the passion and that “all the love songs on the radio make sense now!” moment will arrive later. But, sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s okay. That’s information and growth, not failure.
This can show up as:
You enjoy the emotional closeness, but don’t crave sex with men
The sex never quite clicks, even when you try to be open-minded
You feel relieved when sex is off the table
4. Desire for women feels complete, while intimacy with men feels distant
The contrast can be pretty stark: with women, you might feel first-person, head-to-toe desire. They’re on your mind, your body reacts to the attraction, and that passion you were waiting for finally catches fire. While with men, you might feel checked out, like you’re watching a scene of yourself from the outside. Many questioning sapphics describe dissociation during intimacy with men, while desire for women feels visceral and undeniable. The widely shared Lesbian Masterdoc captures this contrast in detail and has helped many people language their experience.
You might notice:
Women evoke real butterflies, yearning, daydreams.
Intimacy with men feels mechanical or like acting.
Your mind drifts or checks out during sex with men.
5. Prioritizing male approval or performing straightness to fit in
Sometimes comphet shows up as performing straightness to feel safe, included, or admired… Long before you actually feel the need to examine whether you’re genuinely attracted to men. You might dress for the male gaze, collect crushes or boyfriends for the social currency, or chase “heterosexual scripts” because they promise belonging. Media and family models can blur approval-seeking with attraction, making it hard to tell who you actually want.
This can feel like:
You care more about who finds you attractive than who you desire.
You act like the “girlfriend” archetype even when it drains you.
You choose milestones (prom date, boyfriend, engagement) for optics instead of desire.
6. Your “girl crushes” feel bigger than friendship
Comphet often minimizes same-gender attraction as “just admiration” or “just close friends.” We’ve all heard that “oh my gooood they were roommates”, or even seen historical photos labeled as “just two of the best gal pals who lived together with no men and 3 cats”.
But if you think about her constantly, want physical closeness (maybe even thinking about those subtle moments like braiding her hair or painting her nails), feel jealous about her dating life or partners, or agonize over what to wear before seeing her so that you get it just right… Those might be romantic or sexual feelings, and not just a quirky friendship.
Many people use softer language because it feels safer. The feelings themselves are often anything but subtle.
You might recognize:
Strong desire for her attention or touch
You feel giddy, nervous, or possessive around her.
The intensity doesn’t fade like other friend fixations.
7. You stay in straight scripts for safety or social ease
If you’ve stayed in relationships with men because it felt safer with family, at work, or in your community, you’re not alone. Many people remain in hetero roles to avoid conflict, meet expectations, or keep straight privilege. It’s even a common shared experience for folks to “come out” more than once because of it- because your office doesn’t need to know at the same time that your best friend does.
But all of that doesn’t negate your identity. It’s a survival strategy in a world that often rewards straightness and punishes deviation. Compassion belongs here. Be kind to yourself.
This can look like:
Avoiding questions or conflict by going along with it
Chasing milestones (think marriage or starting a family) to quiet pressure
You delay coming out because the risks feel too high.
Why comphet happens: cultural pressure and queer erasure
Comphet is bigger than any one person’s story. It’s woven into media, institutions, and everyday assumptions that treat straightness as the default setting for life. Adrienne Rich popularized the term “compulsory heterosexuality” in a 1980 feminist essay, which challenged how society organizes women’s lives around men (see Adrienne Rich’s 1980 essay). You feel it when:
Movies frame straight love as the only happy ending (and queer plots always end in heartbreak- looking at you Willow and Tara!)
Adults assume everyone’s crush is on “the opposite sex.” (and play it up, like those awful onesies that say mommy’s little ladies’ man)
Schools, healthcare, and workplaces center straight norms. (Sex ed, harassment seminars, questions on the paperwork, you name it, it can be gayer)
TikTok and pop culture hype “boyfriend” storylines as life goals. (#BoyfriendGoals)
Here’s a quick snapshot of common scripts:
Social script or pressure
How it reinforces comphet
“When are you finally getting a boyfriend?”
Assumes straightness; nudges you to perform it outwardly
“He’s nice, give him a chance!”
Treats attraction as effort, not desire.
“You’ll like sex once you meet the right guy.”
Frames lack of desire as a fixable glitch, and that fix is cured somehow by a man
Media couples = man + woman
Limits the stories you imagine for yourself and closes off the possibilities
Safety and status for straight couples
Rewards compliance; punishes deviation.
For a grounded explainer on how these scripts show up in everyday life, this cultural overview of comphet is helpful.
How to explore and reclaim your authentic desire
You don’t owe anyone certainty. You do deserve clarity, safety, and joy.
Find community: Sapphic spaces, including HER Communities, offer reflection without pressure
Journal and reflect: Track when your body says yes vs. when you’re performing. Notice energy, not just what the words you write say.
Curate your media: Feed your brain queer stories so your imagination has more than one script. Add those sapphic creators to your TikTok or Instagram FYP.
Try gentle visualization: Picture dates, kisses, and mornings-after, with women and with men. Where do you soften? Where do you tense up?
Seek affirming support: A queer-aware therapist can help untangle safety from attraction, this practical explainer on comphet and related questioning can guide what to ask for.
Move at your own pace: Labels can wait. Exploring sexuality is not a race, and you never have to claim a label before you’re ready.
Frequently asked questions
What is comphet?
Comphet is the pressure to act straight, often making people think they’re attracted to men even if those feelings are learned or performative.
How can I recognize it?
Signs of comphet include testing attraction, performing straightness for approval, and “girl crushes” that feel deeper than friendship.
How do I know if my attraction to men is real or comphet?
Real attraction to men feels wanted and energizing, while comphet often feels forced, theoretical, or based on “shoulds.” Notice how your body responds in real time.
Can comphet affect people of all gender identities?
Yes, definitely! Anyone in a culture that treats straightness as the norm can internalize comphet, though it’s most discussed among women and non-binary folks questioning their sexuality or identity.
How can I explore my sexuality?
Try journaling, queer media, and community spaces; consider a queer-affirming therapist to explore at your own pace without rushing.
When should I consider talking to a therapist about comphet?
If comphet is creating anxiety, confusion, or impacting relationships, a therapist who understands queer experiences can help you untangle safety, attraction, and identity gently.
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