Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
Nov 11, 2022
It’s 100% normal for a person to question their sexuality at one point or another. Sexuality is obviously a very personal thing, and it’s certainly not black and white. But if you saw the headline on this article and chose to click on it, there’s probably at least a teeny part of you that’s wondering am I a lesbian?
We get it. Thanks to compulsory heterosexuality, or the notion that being straight is somehow “the norm,” lots of queer women struggle when they realize they’re attracted to other women.
First and foremost: coming out is a unique journey. Know that you aren’t on any specific timeline and that you can decide when (and if ever) you want to come out.
Of course, you may want to come out, but you aren’t even sure as to whether or not you actually are a lesbian. Maybe you just have a few inklings and are hoping for a bit of clarity. Well, to help ease your adventures in queerness, we’ve compiled a list of 10 signs that you might be a lesbian.
Important! None of these “signs” are indsisputable… but they may be the little push you needed to own your queerness. Let’s go.
This might seem like an obvious one because it kind of is! If you’ve ever questioned your sexuality, the very questioning might be a sign that you’re at least a teensy, tiny bit on the queer spectrum. Generally speaking, it’s the folks that genuinely question their sexuality that tend to end up on the LGBTQ+ spectrum – of course, it’s not something set in stone, but the odds are higher.
And if this is you, welcome! Come on in, the water’s great.
Maybe you already have a handful of queer and/or lesbian friends. Maybe you really VIBE when you’re hanging out with your girl friends who are bi or lesbians. Maybe you just really get along with queer people! Or maybe you’re queer yourself. <3
Birds of a feather flock together…especially girl birds who like other girl birds. While loving the queer/sapphic/lesbian community is certainly not a sure-sign you yourself are also queer, it might be an indication that you’ve found your people.
Was your first crush The Little Mermaid as opposed to the handsome Prince Eric? Do you ever walk into a coffee shop, see a woman with tats and piercing green eyes and think “OH HAI”?!
You get the point. If you find yourself leaning toward the women in your life (both fictional and non!) as opposed to the men, this could be a sign you’re a little bit sapphic. Lots of out lesbian and bisexual women note that they first realized they were on the queer spectrum when they saw a particular celebrity and started to get, for lack of a better phrase, sexual feelings. If you can relate, you might be a little gay, too.
It’s totally normal to have crushes on our friends as kids. But generally speaking, straight kids will have straight crushes and queer kids will have queer crushes! If you look back on your high school or middle school (or heck, even elementary school, you early bloomer you) and remember going all googly-eyed for a certain galpal, it could be an early indication that you lean a little lesbian.
Do you ever watch a RomCom and wish the main character ended up with her best friend or rival as opposed to the handsome but kinda basic male protagonist? Or maybe you’re reading a book and secretly hoping for a sapphic sex scene? Well, honey, we got some news for you.
We tend to resonate to stories that reflect our own identities, and if you find yourself wanting some sapphic source material, that could be a sign that you’re a bit queer yourself! Especially if you find yourself absolutely riveted by queer movies, books, tv shows, or basically anything starring Sarah Paulson.
When you’re day-dreaming at work (we see you) and imagining your ideal makeout sesh, is it with a woman? Do you tend to gravitate toward female-centric porn? When you’re having some (cough-cough) alone time, do you have women on the brain?
Our fantasies can say a LOT about our preferences. It’s one of the rare times we allow our minds to wander, and therefore a pretty good indication of our desires. And if there’s a leading lady in your imagination, it might be a crush… or you might be queer.
It’s one thing to be friendly — it’s another thing to get flirty. Lots of women are a little flirty with one another, but if you’re constantly finding yourself getting a little extra touchy feely with other gals, consider this a sign.
What constitutes flirting? Elongated eye contact, a hand on the shoulder, laughing at every joke (regardless of whether or not its funny) open body language, awkward or frequent compliments, giggling, avoiding external distractions, constant blushing, exaggerated expressions, or sharing that you’re single are all signs of flirting. If you find these behaviors reserved purely for women, then our gaydar is going off.
Have you ever hooked up with a man and your brain goes on auto pilot? Or maybe you’ve tried dating a few different dudes only to find yourself facing disappointment after disappointment? Or heck, maybe you’ve never even kissed a guy but you can just tell you don’t want to for whatever reason. Well, that reason might be your queerness!
Gauging your attraction to men is one of the easiest ways to see if you might fall onto the sapphic spectrum. And while the lack of ALL sexual attraction could mean you’re Ace (that’s a different article), your disinterest in men could also mean you’re a lesbian.
Maybe you feel the most at ease and like yourself around lesbian and queer women. Whether that be the gay bar around the corner you sort of unintentionally but intentionally stumbled into or at the rock climbing gym.
It feels like they sort of maybe see through you in a way that’s validating and non-pressuring. Odds are, they’ve been exactly where you are too!
Like… the thought is sort of bearable, but not really? It just doens’t seem to click. You may not understand why your straight friends are so eager and ready to commit, and that could be because you’re not even entirely sure you’re into men to begin with! Remember, it’s okay!!!
It’s never too late to come out, and you also never have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Whether that be with a man, a woman, or a non-binary person. Your life’s journey is yours to write, and there’s no expiration date on a happy ending.
Maybe you’re in a relationship with a straight, cis man… or married with kids. The thought of ‘starting over’ might feel more overwhelming than your desire to live your life more authentically. Just remember, you’re not alone in this.
Coming out can be hard enough as is, and when you add life’s responsibilities and techniques to the equation, things can seem almost too complicated to even navigate. Just know that you are valid, and the people in your life who love you want you to get to live a life that brings you joy and happiness. It’s okay if you’re not ready today, or tomorrow, or even months from now — you’re not going against the clock. You’ll know when you’re ready, and when that day comes — just know you will be okay, and there will be boundless amounts of people in our community ready to support and uplift you.
Don’t overthink it: if you kissed a girl and thought “WOW, I wanna do that again” … there’s a good chance you’re queer! Sometimes we put sooo much pressure on trying to figure out our sexual identities… and it really is quite simple. If you think you kissed a girl and liked it (or imagined kisssing a girl and liked it), there’s a good chance you might find empowerment in identifying as bi or lesbian.
Think about the word lesbian. When you apply that to yourself, does it feel empowering, exciting, or simply RIGHT? If you just feel connected to the word lesbian, especially when it’s applied to your identity, that could mean you are indeed a lesbian!
And remember: these “signs” are purely guideposts. If you’re still not sure as to whether or not you’re a lesbian, go easy on yourself. Be patient. You don’t need to force any sort of label. Labels are purely there to help us better understand ourselves or foster community… if they stress you out, simply remind yourself that your sexuality is yours to define… or not.
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
