Robyn Exton, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat, Catherine Henderson
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Robyn Exton, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat, Catherine Henderson
May 21, 2024
Dating is one of the many ways we get to experience our community as queer people. We have so much to learn about ourselves from getting out there.
We were all taught the rules of straight dating while growing up, in school, on television, by our friends and family. To find lesbian dating tips, you have to look much harder. From flirting to first dates to relationships, each stage has a distinct lesbian vibe. I hesitate to describe it as harder or easier — it’s just different
When I was growing up, I found straight dating deeply confusing. When I was coming out and learning how to date women, I felt something click. The things that made me weird to men made me an asset in LGBTQIA+ spaces, even beyond dating. To this day, I’ll find myself in a straight bar experiencing the stares of men, and I just find myself thinking, “You don’t get it. My vibe isn’t for you.”
If you’ve just come out, I’m happy you’re here! I wish you lots of queer joy in your dating life and beyond. If you’re looking to brush up on your skills because you’re dating a new woman, go get her!
Here are some tips and notes about dating as a lesbian.
Before we get into gay dating, we have to start with gay flirting. Flirting is what? Fundamental.
Lesbian flirting is a distinct skill, different from straight flirting, of course. Get those romantic comedy scenes out of your head because we still need a great lesbian RomCom. You’re going to have to make it up as you go along.
In my experience, queer women and nonbinary people are often too modest to admit when someone is flirting with them, and by the time they say something out loud, it’s probably pretty obvious.
“A girl is being flirty with you if she makes intense eye contact with you and she touches your knee. If you want to initiate something, kiss them on the cheek…The friendship/relationship early confusion thing doesn’t happen if you communicate your intentions.”
said Megan Wallce, editorial director for Gay Times.
The best lesbian dating tips are to set clear expectations and boundaries, meet people through dating apps and queer spaces, be direct when asking someone out, keep first dates simple, ask thoughtful questions, make the first move when interest feels mutual, communicate instead of ghosting, take time to build trust, take breaks when dating feels draining, and be patient with the process.
1. Set clear dating expectations and boundaries.
2. Use HER and LGBTQ+ events to meet queer women.
3. Call it a date when you ask someone out.
4. Keep your first date short and simple.
5. Ask thoughtful questions and follow up.
6. Make the first move if the interest feels mutual.
7. Communicate instead of ghosting.
8. Take time to actually get to know them.
9. Take a break if dating starts to burn you out.
10. Be patient with the queer dating process.
Source: Pinterest
Before a date, get clear on what you want, what your boundaries are, and what helps you feel safe. Knowing whether you’re looking for something casual, a relationship, friendship, or simply exploring can make communication easier from the start.
For a first date, meet somewhere public, tell someone you trust where you’ll be, and have your own way home. You can also review these safety tips before meeting someone new. Communicate your boundaries and intentions clearly, and check in with yourself as the date unfolds.
For meeting queer women, combine a sapphic dating app like HER with LGBTQ+ events and recurring IRL spaces. Apps can help you find queer people who are open to meeting others, while hobby groups, queer sports leagues, community organizations, and local events give you more opportunities to connect around shared interests.
And there’s always the option of looking confused at a boygenius concert.
If you want it to be a date, call it a date. Being direct prevents both of you from wondering whether you’re flirting, hanging out as friends, or actually dating.
“Let’s hang out” might feel safer, but may I offer: “Do you want to go on a date?” Then suggest a specific time and place. Yes, it feels vulnerable. But if they say no, at least you have clarity.
A good first date doesn’t need to last all day. Keep it simple and save some experiences for later if you both want a second date.
This one is for the U-Haulers. I’ve done the marathon first date myself and then ended up watching Love Island on the couch for dates two and three.
Start with coffee, a drink, or a walk. Save your favorite restaurant, museum, hike, or other date ideas for later. Could you do all of them in one day? Sure, but why? Give yourself time to enjoy the butterflies and anticipation of getting to know someone new.
Source: Pinterest
Good date conversations involve asking questions and actually listening to the answers. Follow-up questions can make someone feel heard and show that you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them.
If you need inspiration, try these questions to ask on a date. Ask about their friends, interests, favorite things, or how their week is going. And remember: a good conversation should go both ways.
In queer dating, either person can make the first move. If the interest feels mutual, tell them how you feel, ask them out, or, if the moment feels right, ask if you can kiss them.
This is one of my favorite pieces of dating advice: be bold. Making the first move can break the classic “you’re pretty/you’re pretty/now ghost” stalemate.
Making the first move involves some risk, and rejection can happen. But rejection also gives you clarity. I almost always make the first move, and even when it hasn’t worked out, I’ve survived. No regrets.
If you know you’re no longer interested, a short, respectful message is usually kinder than disappearing or keeping someone hanging on.
Ghosting can feel easier when you want to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, but it often creates more confusion.
Listen, I get it. We can be conflict-averse gays. But if you’re thinking, “Maybe I’ll just ghost,” take a moment to collect your thoughts and communicate. You don’t need a huge explanation. Clear and kind is enough.
Chemistry can happen quickly, but trust and understanding take time to build. Falling hard doesn’t mean you know someone deeply yet.
I’m not telling queer women not to fall fast. That’s like telling a fish not to be wet. Just remember that instant chemistry and genuine compatibility aren’t always the same thing.
If swiping, messaging, and going on dates starts to feel consistently draining rather than exciting, you may be experiencing dating burnout. It’s okay to take a break and come back when you have more energy for dating.
Queer dating can also overlap with coming out, identity exploration, and navigating a heteronormative world. If you need support beyond dating, LGBTQ+ community resources can help you find affirming spaces and support. You don’t have to tackle everything at once.
Depending on where you live, your local queer dating pool may feel small, and finding the right connection can take time. If you keep seeing the same profiles or connections aren’t happening as quickly as you hoped, don’t take it as a reflection of your desirability or dating potential. Finding the right connection can take time.
I wish there were a solution to the numbers problem. Maybe a bunch of lesbians should move to the woods together, live off the land, and then we’d all be in the same place.
The best lesbian dating advice is to communicate clearly, set boundaries, be direct about romantic interest, and take your time getting to know someone. Making the first move when interest feels mutual can also remove a lot of ambiguity from queer dating.
The best dating tips for lesbians are to communicate clearly, set boundaries, be direct about romantic interest, ask thoughtful questions, and take your time getting to know someone. Make the first move when interest feels mutual, and give yourself permission to take a break when dating stops feeling good.
You can meet lesbian and LGBTQ+ women through queer dating apps like HER, LGBTQ+ events, hobby groups, queer sports leagues, community spaces, and mutual friends. Combining dating apps with recurring IRL activities can give you more opportunities to make genuine connections.
Repeated eye contact, playful conversation, intentional closeness, and an effort to keep talking can suggest that she’s interested. Because flirting can be ambiguous, the clearest way to know is to communicate or ask her out directly.
Either person can make the first move. Lesbian dating does not need to follow traditional gender roles, so if the interest feels mutual, you can ask them out, tell them how you feel, or ask if you can kiss them.
Keep a first lesbian date simple and low-pressure. Meet somewhere public, choose an activity that makes conversation easy, communicate your boundaries, and focus on getting to know each other rather than planning the perfect date.
Be clear and specific. Try “Would you like to go on a date with me?” and suggest a time and place. Calling it a date removes ambiguity and makes your romantic interest clear.
Robyn Exton, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat, Catherine Henderson
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
