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Catherine Henderson, Jill O'Sullivan
Nov 21, 2024
I recently got into a lesbian relationship myself. A long-term, long-distance, low-commitment girlfriend, to be precise.
I had to update my mom, who is also a queer woman, and when I told her my new girlfriend was considering moving across the country to live in my city, she had some words for me. Yes, mom, we do.
We made it easier to help figure out compatibility when it comes to moving in together. Take this quiz (and have your partner do it, too) and talk out the results that you get to make sure everything is out in the open.
🚚✨Thinking of moving in with someone? Check out what type of moving in you are.
In the context of queer dating, the U-Haul symbolizes how lesbians move notoriously fast in relationships. It can sometimes be quite literal. I’ll admit to having first dates that have lasted more than a day and leaving a toothbrush at a partner’s place after less than a month. I’d also say it represents a lot of ways that queer women and nonbinary people bond quickly and deeply, for better or for worse.
Sometimes, the stereotype makes us a punchline. Still, within the queer community, it can be a way of understanding how queer relationships are unique, moving intentionally to learn lessons from past mistakes and poke a little fun at ourselves.
Source: Instagram
U-Hauling is a tradition passed down through generations of queer women. It is our emotional legacy/burden, depending on who you ask. We have not evolved past it. In some senses, we’ve only become stronger post-pandemic, aided by technology. It has a rich queer history — before queer liberation, gay couples could still live together. (And they were roommates.) The U-Haul appears in queer classics like Stone Butch Blues:
“Within a month, we rented a U-Haul trailer and moved into a new apartment together in Buffalo.”
And to be fair, we started the joke. In 1988, comedian Lea DeLaria famously said, “What does a Lesbian bring to a first date? A U-Haul.” Lea played Carol on Friends, and the one and only Big Boo on Orange Is the New Black. Also, she’s still not a U-haul brand ambassador. Can we do something about that?
Because why pay two rents when you could double the plants, pets, wardrobe, and pillow forts?
Kidding (….a little). It’s hard to speak for all sapphic UHaul journeys, but there’s a few reasons why the punchline of lesbians moving in together quickly is not an unfounded one. There’s a sense of security in moving in together- both financially and physically. There’s also societal and cultural conditioning at play. We unfortunately live in a time where everything is still pretty heteronormative. There’s such a pressure of pleasing the family by getting married, starting a family, and settling down. This doesn’t necessarily disappear in sapphic relationships and can cause the urge to merge. Women are also thought to develop intimacy differently, building deep emotional connections more naturally, without it being thought of as a vulnerability or a weakness.
And, well, lesbian time just moves differently. From the long, yearning stare across the bar, to the date that you thought would just last an hour that actually lasted two days, to the quickie that ended up taking up the whole night. When you finally find someone who understands your Spotify playlists and your very detailed coffee order, it just feels like fate- why wait?
We shook our magic 8 ball and it says- we have no idea babe! We wish we had the ability to tell you for sure that you’re making the right move. But, “too soon” varies from person to person and couple to couple. If you feel like the time is right and you’re both on the same page with how the relationship is going and what the future looks like, then go for it! However…. If you find yourself asking that question because you’re unsure of how you feel about it, it might be the right call to pause and figure out if moving in together is the right move. Don’t move in with someone just because you feel like you have to, or FOMO.
You’ve met the sapphic of your dreams. You’ve been on a few dates (maybe one date that just never ended. We don’t judge), and you think you’re ready to pack up the ole UHaul and move in together, but you’re not quite sure you’re ready. We get it.
Moving in together can be a huge step! We want your UHaul to be your carriage to happiness ever after, so we created this checklist to help you think of the important stuff before you change zip codes.
Well done! You’ve had difficult conversations, and you’ve taken the quiz. You’ve found out that their collection of exotic house plants isn’t a deal breaker, and she doesn’t mind that you have 3 ferrets, and you’re moving in together!
Check out our checklist below to go over some of the important Moving Out Stuff you don’t want to miss.
But when she pulls out the coffees for her girlfriend AND ALL HER GIRLFRIEND’S COWORKERS… dear god, pray for this woman.
This is another reason why I think queer people are great for reality dating shows because The Bachelor, Love Is Blind, Love Island, etc., are all straight people cosplaying U-Hauling.
Whew, we really unpacked this U-haul. It’s okay to want a partner. It’s also okay to want to date casually. It’s okay to make mistakes and get your heart broken and be a stereotype and learn something about yourself. It’s all a bit of a paradox.
Just remember it’s easier to break up if you don’t live together or share pets.
Catherine Henderson, Jill O'Sullivan
Catherine Henderson is a journalist based in Chicago. She has worked at a wide variety of newsrooms, including The Denver Post, Chalkbeat, Business Insider and In These Times, covering education, career development and culture. Catherine holds a master’s and bachelor’s degree in journalism from Northwestern University. Outside of work, she enjoys traveling, exploring Chicago, reading LGBTQ lit, and analyzing internet trends.
