Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Aug 18, 2023
It’s no secret: dating can be exhausting. Sometimes you hit it off with someone in the DMs. Still, it’s a total dud in real life, other times you feel like you’re just going around in circles just to get things going, and beyond that, you might end up feeling like you’re dating the same kinds of people over and over again, almost like it’s Groundhog Dog.
Some call this phenomenon “groundhogging,” when you tend to date the same kind of people and think you’ll get different results.
To be fair, what we mean by “type” can be subjective, but for the most part, people often use this when dating someone who may have the same physicality over and over again. Others may even use it to describe their disillusionment with the fact that they date people who are emotionally unavailable or have some sort of toxic trait.
And yet, somehow, they keep finding themselves in the same situation over and over again.
Humans are creatures of habit, and we often seek what’s known and comfortable to us, so this habit of dating the same kinds of people can lead to boredom and even loneliness – like a neverending winter. That makes “groundhogging” not a hard term to conceptualize.
After all, we’re kind of label-obsessed, especially for the queer community. And look, there’s nothing wrong with hot studs being hot studs or handsome femmes being handsome femmes – we love that here. But there’s something so beautiful about breaking your habits, challenging your boundaries, and getting outside your comfort zone. Perhaps the love of your life – or the night of your life – is just on the other side!
The good news is that there’s no reason to beat yourself up over having a “type,” and there are ways to break the cycle and jump into the blooming spring season of your dating life. Read on to learn more about groundhogging!
When people say “type” in the context of dating, they usually refer to the kind of physicality and presentation they’re attracted to. Certainly, in the queer community, we love using different labels to describe gender expression and sub-segments of lesbian expression, for example.
Sometimes it’s pretty clear what your type is: some people go for androgynous, others go for high femmes. Others don’t really have a type, and they just go for whoever tickles their fancy.
If you’re reading this, then you probably already have a hunch that you’re groundhogging. You may find yourself having the same gripes about the people you date. You’re finding yourself bored and may even close yourself off with that dating partner after a certain amount of time. In this case, no one has a good time: not you, not your prospects!
You should really go easy on yourself in this step of the process. Just because you have a type doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person or are bound to keep repeating the groundhogging cycle. Admitting you’re groundhogging is one of the first steps to breaking the cycle!
So, what do you do if you find yourself going for the same kind of person and end up feeling underwhelmed? Dare we say it – what if you find yourself groundhogging?
As we mentioned, humans are creatures of habit, so if you’re here, you probably want some novelty in your life.
Dr. Alane K. Daugherty, Ph.D., says novelty and dopamine often go hand in hand when it comes to enhancing “mood, positive outlook, motivation, and goal setting.” And psychologists have long-touted novelty as a way to keep a relationship alive – who’s to say it’s any different with yourself trying new things?
All that is to say that novelty can extend beyond just keeping a long-term relationship alive. Novelty in your dating life can mean dating outside your “usual” type. But how do you introduce novelty anyway?
You can introduce novelty in your dating life by going to different kinds of queer bars than you’re used to. You could even change your location on the HER app (with HER Premium) to another local area to match with a new segment of people!
Something as simple as looking for connections in places other than where you normally look can make a big difference! Changing up your dating pool using dating apps like HER can help diversify your dating experience and break the groundhogging cycle.
Journaling can really work wonders when it comes to understanding why you do what you do and taking the next steps to breaking the groundhogging cycle. And hey, while journaling might not be everyone’s cup of tea, isn’t that the point of this blog post in the first place? Get out of your comfort zone!
Here are some journal prompts to get you started on your groundhogging reflection.
So you’re burnt out from dating the same kinds of people, but you might also be burnt out from dating in general! Dating burnout is real, and you shouldn’t push yourself to date all the time to try to break your groundhogging cycle. Maybe all you need is to take a break or focus on friendships and family – journal even! – before you take the next step.
Growth isn’t linear, and the journey to increased self-awareness isn’t either. You don’t have to dive into the deep end of the dating pool and swear off your usual “type” to get the desired result. At the end of the day, it’s all about the journey. Take a swim, and enjoy the waves!
Once you start dating people who are a different “type,” you might find yourself lost because you’re not used to it! There’s no shame in preparing for a new kind of adventure, so why not bring some conversation-starting questions to the date, and prepare something less awkward than the typical ice-breaking “What’s your favorite color?”
Breaking your groundhogging cycle isn’t an overnight thing, so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t find your cycle-breaker by next week. This is about you in the end, so put yourself first!
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
