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Let’s talk about sex toys for lesbians

Robyn Exton

Apr 17, 2023

Let’s talk about sex toys for lesbians
  • Queer women have enjoyed sex toys forever! One of my favorite examples is poet Edna St. Vincent Millay had an ivory dildo that her sister destroyed when she died, along with her letters to her best friend/lover. 

    For the modern WLW, there are endless choices — for yourself, a partner, or multiple partners. If you’re curious about sex toys, it can still be scary to try something new in an intimate context. Understanding the different kinds of toys out there can help ease that nervousness. 

    Like sex itself, sex toys can make you feel euphoric in the right context. But they can be loaded with shame and stigma when your identity feels invalidated. 

    A lot of sex toys are still built in a cisnormative, heteronormative way, but if you know where to look, there are lots of brands and sex shops run by queer people for queer people. 

    My favorite independent, queer woman-owned sex shop is Early to Bed in Chicago’s Andersonville neighborhood, and they also ship in the US. I go just for fun sometimes because their sellers are knowledgeable, friendly, and hella queer. 

    Learning to express your desires and identify what you want to try is a process. You might feel sexy and empowered sometimes, and small and scared other times. This isn’t a list to sell you things. It’s a place to start thinking about what those desires might be when it comes to sex toys. 

    One of the amazing things about queer sex is there are infinite options. Sex toys are another fun thing to add to the roster. If lesbian sex is going to be four hours anyway, you can have it all. 

    Source: Together Vibes

    Understanding safety and consent for sex toys 

    Let’s start with some safety tips. 

    If you’re going to use toys with someone else, getting active, ongoing consent is key. 

    Maybe you want to share your toys with a partner, with multiple partners. The only way to find out is to ask. Consent to use a toy once isn’t consent in the future. Consent to use one toy isn’t consent for a different type of toy. 

    Ask explicitly about each step in the process. As a lesbian, I always think it’s important to check how someone feels about penetration, especially with sex toys. 

    When I’ve used toys with partners before, we’ve always talked about these fantasies well before busting open the toy box for the first time. My partner and I went to a sex toy store together to buy our first strap-on, which was super hot. 

    Ask…with your words…every time you want to use a toy. 

    It’s also important to know what materials your toys are made of. If it’s going inside your body, use body-safe, non-porous materials like hard plastic, break-resistant glass, stainless steel, or 100% silicone. Materials that are porous like rubber or silicone blends can carry germs and lead to infection even when they are cleaned consistently. 

    For silicone toys, look for products made with body-safe silicone and find a credible company. This is another reason to look for a queer-owned sex toy shop and speak to a seller on the phone or in person. 

    When it comes to sex toys, we are pro-lube (seriously, it helps). But make sure to use a water-based formula that’s safer for silicone toys and penetration. 

    Also, don’t use items that are not intended to go inside your body as sex toys, like fruit or vegetables. If you’ve seen Girls Trip, you know it can go very wrong. 

    Source: Style Caster

    Cleaning your sex toys 

    Sex toys need to be washed after every use and between every partner to prevent STIs. How to clean it depends on what it’s made of and if the toy uses batteries. This is another great thing to ask your friendly neighborhood queer sex shop owner. Also, read the instructions manual. Seriously though, you’re putting that thing inside you. 

    For reusable sex toys, use mild soap and warm water, and make sure they dry completely. If your sex toy is advertised as dishwasher safe, keep it on the top rack only. You should also be cleaning your dishwasher, did you know that? That’s just a life tip, not a sex tip. 

    Source: Self

    Using vibrators in the bedroom

    Vibrators come in every shape and size for all types of genitals, not just vaginas. 

    When picking a vibrator to masturbate, think about what you enjoy most when it comes to sex. If you’re not into penetration, there are plenty of vibrators designed for outside the body. There are rabbit vibrators designed to stimulate the clitoris and G-spot at once. There are also plenty of vibrators for anal play or penises. 

    Other things to consider — how intense do you want the speed? Do you want softer materials like silicon or do you want to try something hard like stainless steel or glass? Do you want to use it in the shower or the bath? Do you need a quieter toy so you don’t wake up a roommate? 

    When you want a partner to use your vibrator on you, give them a quick tutorial. Set them up for success! When you are deciding if you want to use your toy with your partner, you can ask them all the same questions about what works best for their pleasure. But get on the same page first before turning anything on. 

    And you don’t have to pick just one, either. 

    Source: Women’s Health

    Dildos of all shapes and sizes 

    Dildos are objects that go inside the vagina or anus. If you are interested in trying anal play, it is important to find a dildo for that specifically. 

    But wait…there’s more. They can be made of silicon, metal, or break-resistant glass. (They aren’t made of ivory anymore.) We have double dildos and vibrating dildos. They come in different lengths and widths. Some look like penises, others look nothing like them at all. Here’s one shaped like a unicorn horn. 

    Source: early2bed

    If you don’t have orgasms from penetration, you also don’t have to use them to completion. It’s fun to do splits on the d, and then finish another way. 

    Strap-ons for beginners

    Strap-ons can be an exciting addition to your sex life, and they can be used for all kinds of play. If you’ve picked out your favorite dildo above, you can strap in, baby!

    To start, make sure you have a harness that fits comfortably. Some strap-on harnesses go around your waist and legs. Others are designed like underwear with a hole where the dildo goes. 

    If you’re using a double dildo and your harness has a backplate, remove the backplate with the snaps. Then the double-dildo should be easy(ish) to use. 

    I would recommend moving around with the strap on your own first before using it for penetration. It’s another appendage to figure out. It can take some practice, but no one’s judging your technique. Have fun! 

    Source: Jim Cook

    Cock rings for lesbians

    Cock rings are exactly what they sound like — they go around a penis for extra pleasure. They can also vibrate to stimulate a partner’s clitoris, which can be a fun way to add hands-free vibration to penetrative sex. 

    Make sure to choose a ring made of flexible material like silicon so it is easy to put on and off, and don’t keep them on for more than 20 minutes at a time. 

    Source: Screaming O

    I’ve been able to use sex toys in an empowering way because that’s how I approach my sex and sexuality — with intention, care, caution, connection, and joy. 

    To talk about sex and masturbation openly, we need the right tools — which might include some of the hardware listed above. But first, we want to demystify sexuality and healthy sex practices on our own and with others.

    We’ve rounded up a list of our absolute favorite sex toys from the genius toy brand Lelo so you can browse, fantasize and treat yourself (or your partner) to a world of happiness.

    Top lesbian-friendly sex toys


    It doesn’t look like your average sex toy, and it doesn’t perform like one either.

    Most would consider Sila a “clit sucker,” even though it actually uses something called air pulsation technology.

    Instead of directly stimulating the clitoris like a vibrator, the mouth sits around the clitoris and sends sonic waves that stimulate much more than the tip of the iceberg!

    Sila is also designed for gradual and more intense climaxes.

    It contains a wider range of intensities so that you can start slow and enjoy every step of the way. 

    Sona 2 Cruise

    If you’ve done your research on clit suckers, you’ve probably heard of Sona 2 Cruise. It’s taken this category by storm for a few reasons.

    One, it offers insanely fast and intense orgasms.

    Two, it has something called Cruise Control technology (more on that in a second).

    And three, many people report squirting and other bodily impulses they didn’t know they were capable of experiencing!

    While Sila is something we’d recommend for sex toy beginners or those who love to edge into a slow climax, Sona 2 Cruise is for those who know they love powerful clitoral stimulation.

    Oh, and the Cruise Control technology means that 20% of the toy’s overall battery kicks in when it’s being pressed hardest against the body.

    Soraya 2

    We like this rabbit vibrator because of its versatility.

    The Soraya 2 can be used externally on the clitoris or nipples, vaginally, anally, and practically any other which way you can think of.

    It’s ergonomic design comes with a looped handle that makes it easy to hold into place so that you can find that sweet spot (on yourself or your partner) and continue stimulating it.

    The clitoral arm is also fully flexible so it can work with all types of anatomies.

    With its 12 vibration patterns, we’re pretty confident you’ll find something that you’ll like!

    Smart Wand

    Feel a knot in your shoulders or a tingle between your legs? This Smart Wand will take care of all your needs because it doubles as a vibrator and actual massager.

    Not only is it cordless, it’s also completely waterproof (like all the toys on this list) so you can take it in the tub or oil your partner up and go to town.

    For a toy so versatile, it’s no wonder they designed it with up to 4 hours of user time, so that you can work out all those kinks.

    Masturbation is all about unwinding, after all.

    Tiani 3

    Remote-controlled. Do we have your attention now?

    This discreet couples’ massager comes with all the right bells and whistles.

    Worn internally by one partner, the toy stimulates the G-spot and clitoris and can be controlled from up to 39ft (12m) away.

    Wait, it gets better!

    The remote vibrates as well, so that partner B can use it for stimulation too.

    It also has a nifty technology that allows the remote to be controlled by tipping it so that you don’t have to focus on pressing the right buttons.

    Hand the remote to your partner for a fun night out or control it yourself for an ultimate hands-free pleasure experience!

    Gigi 2

    Mid-sized but mighty, Gigi 2 is a vibrator with a signature flattened tip that’s designed for precision G-spot stimulation.

    It also works fabulously on the vulva since the flattened tip vibrates more area than just the clitoris, and the labia has pleasurable nerves too.

    It’s a great size for beginners and pros alike, has different vibration patterns and intensities, and holds a more-than-decent 4-hour charge.

    Sometimes keeping it simple and effective is best because what we need most is pleasure we can rely on.

    Whether you’re looking to spice up sexual endeavors with a partner or reaching your own pleasure goals, find a toy that makes you feel your best self.

    We hope this list gets you as excited as we are!

    Robyn Exton

    Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.

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