Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Mar 25, 2022
Jennifer Eden, @pleasureovereverything (P.leasure O.very E.very T.hing) on Instagram, is a sex educator and pleasure coach whose mission is to inspire Black femmes and QTPOC with their work.
We got the opportunity to talk to Jennifer about voicing your needs in the bedroom, and their recommendations for how queer women can navigate conversations about sex. Below is a deep dive into a few of the topics we covered. And to hear more from Jennifer, check them out Live with us on Instagram – March 28 3:30pm PST / 6:30pm EST.
Well I’ve been queer for a loooong time. When I first came into the community, understandings of sexuality and desire were even more binary than they are now. And since I presented femme, it was assumed that I was exclusively sexually submissive. I actually feel safer, stronger, and more myself in a dominant role and always have. I’m so thankful that my early partners made room in their masculinity for me to express and explore that.
I don’t consider myself an influencer. But I do come from a family of teachers. I always said I’d never be one. but here I am! I love what I do. It really is one of those “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life” kind of things. I was doing this work for a lot of years before I considered it work. A bunch of certifications later, I’m just as passionate about sex ed as I was when I got started. I love talking to folks about bodies and boundaries. For me, it’s all about inspiring Black femmes and QTPOC to find confidence, autonomy, and justice in their pleasure.
Say exactly what you mean. This isn’t the place for vagueness or obscurity. Be specific. Give examples. Use hand gestures. Draw a diagram. It’s really important to paint the clearest picture possible. What you want may be something that your partner has never experienced or even considered. That doesn’t mean it’s weird or wrong – it’s just new. And you may need to be patient as your partner catches up to the understanding you’re presenting. There’s a lot of room for miscommunication when it comes to sex. We’re all working from different starting points. Asking your partner to reiterate what you said can be a great way to make sure you’re on the same page.
I think it’s important to have someone other than your partner you can talk to, be it a friend or a professional. Your partner doesn’t always need your first draft. You should have a place to sort out your thoughts.
Figure out a comfortable starting point for yourself. If your shyness won’t let you initiate an in-person conversation, try texting or sending a voice note.
I have full-blown conversations during sex! I love to share what I’m feeling in my body. Or describe the beach I’m imagining we’re on. Or recount a steamy experience with a past lover. Or simply compliment my partner. If talking during sex doesn’t come naturally to you, try playing some audioerotica and let that do the talking for you. Or you can put together a playlist full of lyrics that express what you want to say.
We don’t all refer to our body parts by the same names. Some folks have negative associations with certain words because of dysphoria or trauma or any number of other reasons. When you’re with a new partner, ask them what they want you to call their body parts. Offer what you want yours to be called. Ask if there are any places they don’t want to be touched. Share what yours are, if you have any. This will help set a foundation of safety and honesty.
A lot of folks are hesitant to say what they really want because they don’t want to hear a no. But nos are necessary. They show us where boundaries are. A “no” to one thing isn’t a complete rejection.
“No, I don’t want penetration, but I love oral.”
“No, I don’t want to take my clothes off. I like to grind with them on.”
“No, I’ve never used a strap-on but I’m great with my fingers.”
“No I don’t want to be touched but I’ve been wanting to get my hands on you all day!”
Sex isn’t just one thing. If we as queer people expand our sexual vocabularies, we can talk about the sex acts we enjoy and the sensations we want to experience.
Lots of folks are embarrassed about their fantasies and fear being judged or rejected because of them. If you’re worried about your partner’s reaction, a little show-and-tell can be a great way to get the conversation started. If there’s something you want to try, try to find a reference to share with your partner. A porn clip. An erotic story. Audioerotica. It takes the pressure off of you by putting the focus on someone else’s creation. Best case scenario, your partner watches, reads, or listens to it and says, “Wow, that’s hot! Let’s try it!” Worst case scenario, you find out your partner isn’t into it and you get to keep that fantasy all to yourself and continue to enjoy it alone.
This is going to be a very non-monogamous answer, but your romantic partner does not have to be your kink partner. You two may be kink incompatible and can still have a loving and lasting relationship. And even if your partner does show interest in your kinks, you may not be in the mood or mindset to teach them. If you’re the kinky one, I suggest bringing some options to the table of how you can get your needs met. Local meetups and munches. A platonic play partner. Hiring a sex worker. There are a lot of options if we allow ourselves to be open to them.
Queerness gives us permission to rewrite the sexual scripts we were handed and abandon the rules set by the heterosexual default. Yet so many queer folks confine themselves to heteroperformative sex and then wonder why they’re dissatisfied. IT’S BECAUSE YOUR QUEER ASS IS TRYING TO REPLICATE STRAIGHT SEX!! The notion that a pole has to go into a hole for it to “count” as sex is WRONG! Our bodies aren’t puzzle pieces that only connect with our genitalia. And sex gets to be whatever you decide it is for your body, your gender, and your pleasure. We can lick, suck, rub, hunch, grind, vibrate, and plug ourselves to pleasure on our own terms.
Jennifer will be joining us on March 28 to talk more about Intimacy Live on Instagram at 3:30pm PST / 6:30pm EST. And check out our previous Queer SexEd conversation on Intimacy.
Schedule a reminder to listen in Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
