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What’s it like to be a trans couple? The joys, challenges, and building a family

Robyn Exton

Mar 02, 2023

What’s it like to be a trans couple? The joys, challenges, and building a family
  • At HER, we’re all about celebrating trans love. Now more than ever, there’s a beautiful rise in trans couples that are publicly sharing their stories of love and family. 

    So we thought it’d be the perfect time to dig into some of the magnetic and tender ways that trans love can manifest and look like.

    Generally, a trans couple is a romantic partnership that includes at least one transgender person. But there is no prescribed combination of people that make up a trans couple. A trans couple can include a variety of sexualities and gender identities.

    •  A cis man and a trans woman — yep, a lovely trans couple.
    •  Two trans people — oh yeah, now that’s a beautiful trans couple.
    •  A cis woman and a woman who is just beginning come out as trans — another perfect trans couple.
    •  A couple including a nonbinary person — precious trans couple, because many nonbinary identify as trans.

    Whether you’ve got a trans lesbian couple, a cis and trans couple, a trans man and trans woman couple, or any other combination, trans couples are finding love and building lives together.

    The one thing that all these relationships (plus the myriad of additional trans couple possibilities) have in common is LOVE. And that’s what really matters.

    The joys of being a trans couple

    There are relationship joys that can be even sweeter for trans couples:

    •  Falling for someone who loves and accepts you for exactly who you are after navigating the rocky road of dating in a transphobic world can be like a balm to your soul.
    •  Trans couples smash the patriarchy and heterosexual relationship standards and get to create the dynamic that works for them.
    • Having someone to stand with when transphobia crashes into your world can add a sense of support and security.

    The challenges of being a trans couple

    Trans couples can face unique difficulties that cis couples don’t deal with. While trans people have gained more visibility over the past few years, they don’t always receive the acceptance or representation they deserve. Unfortunately, many trans couples who choose to share their story are met with discrimination and stigma. And while there are many allies and other trans people there to cheer them on, the hate can hurt.

    Transphobia — a hatred or fear directed at trans people just because they’re trans — is rampant and a real threat. Right wing politicians in the US and UK have made a concerted effort to create anti-trans laws, especially over the past couple years. And now that this anti-trans bigotry is being legislated, trans folks are running out of options. Transphobic hatred can easily spread to a trans romantic relationship and be aimed at both partners, even if they’re not both trans.

    Looking for love as a trans person can be a bumpy ride. Transphobia and ignorance (even in the LGBTQIA+ community) can lead to rejection and exclusion, making it harder for transgender folks to find love and build meaningful relationships. Here at HER, we are fully trans-inclusive, supporting and celebrating the trans community. We know that cis spaces are not safe for our trans siblings. So that’s why the HER dating app is designed to support all trans members

    In addition to societal difficulties, transgender couples may also face practical and emotional hurdles. Navigating medical procedures such as hormone therapy and gender-affirming surgeries can be emotionally, financially, and physically taxing for both partners even as these procedures radically improve trans quality of life. They may also have to deal with legal issues related to their gender identity — such as name changes and gender markers on official documents.

    Trans couples becoming parents

    Trans couples share the same goals and desires as many straight, gay, and lesbian couples. And sometimes this includes wanting to have children. Trans people deserve the same opportunities to expand their family as everyone else. Can trans couples get pregnant? Of course they can. As with many LGBTQIA+ couples, there are a number of options available for starting a family. Some trans people choose to adopt. Some carry their own biological children. But every situation is different. 

    Over the past few years, there have been a few trans couples who have shared their family-building journey publicly.

    Bianca and Nick Bowser

    Bianca and Nick Bowser were able to conceive and carry their own biological children. They decided to put off gender affirmation surgery in order to make their dreams of having a family come true. But the process wasn’t easy.

    While Nick was willing and able to carry their two sons, he said the experience “was probably the darkest time in my entire life. My brain was telling me that I was one person. My body looks like a completely different person. It was a daily struggle between mind and body.”

    “I just see us as a family, regardless of the titles and labels,” Bianca offers. “What we are is a family unit, doing our best to raise our kids in the most proper way.”

    Nick North

    Or you may have heard of Nick North, a trans man who wrote a blog and created a documentary about his experience of transitioning as a married person with 5 children. His blog is filled with instances of trans joy and he describes himself as a “hype guy for the masses.” His blog and social media resemble most family-oriented creators’ content: posts about laundry, DIY struggles, relationship advice, and cute kid pics. Scroll back far enough and you’ll see the “Life with COVID” posts, too.

    Jake and Hannah Graf

    Jake and Hannah Graf are well-known activists for the trans community. Jake is a British filmmaker and actor who has directed and produced several short films on transgender themes. Hannah is a British Army officer who made history in 2015 by becoming the highest-ranking transgender soldier in the UK. 

    The Graf family includes their son and a daughter, who were both conceived through IVF. Their journey to parenthood was documented in the film Our Baby: A Modern Miracle. The couple has been open about their experiences as trans parents and have spoken out about the challenges they’ve faced.

    The HER App is a safe place for trans people

    If you’re trans and you’re looking for romance, we’ve got your back. Here at HER, we are committed to making our dating app safe for the trans community. You can add a trans sticker to your profile and be out and proud, or you can wait to share your truth until you’re chatting in the safety of the app.

    Ultimately, the connection shared by transgender couples is a testament to the power of love and the resilience of the human spirit. By breaking down gender barriers and embracing the full range of human diversity, we can work together to create a world where all couples, regardless of their gender identities, can love and be loved.

    Robyn Exton

    Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.

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