Robyn Exton, Jill O'Sullivan, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Robyn Exton, Jill O'Sullivan, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat
Apr 16, 2026
Let’s be real: this question comes up a lot.
If you’re on the asexual spectrum, dating can feel a bit like trying to follow rules that were never written for you in the first place. And sooner or later, you start wondering… would it just be easier to date other ace people?
The short answer? There’s no one right way to do this. Some people feel safest and most understood dating within the ace community. Others find meaningful, respectful connections with non-ace partners. Most people fall somewhere in between.
What actually matters is understanding what works for you, being clear about your needs, and giving yourself permission to figure it out as you go.
Here are seven ways to help you make that decision in a way that feels right, not forced.
Before deciding to only date other ace people, take a moment to check in with yourself.
For a lot of people, that instinct comes from wanting comfort, safety and not having to explain things over and over again. Which makes total sense. For others, it’s about avoiding mismatched expectations around intimacy… and yeah, avoiding that awkward conversation altogether.
Try getting clear on what actually matters to you in a relationship. Maybe it’s emotional safety, a sense of community, or being with someone who shares your approach to touch or attraction. You can also look at what worries you. Maybe it’s a smaller dating pool, or feeling limited in your options.
Writing it down can help. A simple pro and con list is often enough to turn a vague feeling into something clearer and easier to work with.
Asexual people, meaning people who experience little or no sexual attraction, still form deep romantic and emotional bonds. Knowing that can make it easier to choose the kind of relationships that actually feel right for you. If you want to explore that further, this guide on what it means to be asexual breaks it down in a really accessible way.
If you’re weighing it up, here’s a quick look at what dating other ace people can bring, and what to keep in mind.
| Potential benefits of dating ace people | Possible trade‑offs |
| Shared understanding of sexual boundaries | Smaller dating pool |
| Less pressure or anxiety around sex | Less variety in perspectives or experiences |
| Easier communication about intimacy | Risk of an echo chamber or limited growth |
| More aligned lifestyles or expectations | Potentially missing out on compatible non-ace partners |
It can be tempting to set a rule like, “I’ll only date other ace people.” And for some people, that works. But for others, it can feel a bit limiting over time.
Compatibility isn’t a checklist. It’s more about how things feel in practice. Many modern guides to asexual dating point to the same thing: connection works best when expectations are openly understood.
Instead of rigid rules, it can help to think in layers. What do you absolutely need? What would be nice? And what’s a clear no?
Seeing the difference between your needs and your preferences gives you more flexibility, without compromising on what really matters.
It also opens the door to connections with both ace and ace-friendly people who genuinely respect your boundaries and your identity.
Big decisions feel a lot easier when you don’t have to figure them out alone.
Talking to people who understand your experience can give you clarity way faster than sitting in your own head. That could be trusted friends, people in ace or queer spaces, or even a therapist who feels affirming and safe.
Sometimes just hearing “yeah, I’ve been through that too” can shift everything.
The goal isn’t to get one “right answer.” It’s to see different ways people navigate this, and figure out what actually feels good for you.
| Who to ask for insight | Why they help |
| Close friends | Can reflect patterns you might not notice yourself |
| Ace or queer community groups | Share lived experience and language that feels familiar |
| Therapist or counsellor | Help you unpack fears or recurring challenges in a safe space |
Platforms like HER make this kind of exchange easier, connecting you to over 15 million queer people who are having the same conversations, figuring things out and showing up as themselves.
Dating doesn’t have to feel like a test you need to pass. It can just be something you explore, at your own pace.
Instead of rushing into labels or expectations, give yourself space to see how things actually feel in real life. Whether you’re dating another ace person or someone allosexual (someone who isn’t asexual), checking in along the way can make a big difference.
You don’t need a perfect script. Just small, honest moments like:
These kinds of check-ins help make honesty feel normal, not awkward.
Changing your mind, taking things slower, or realising something isn’t quite right isn’t a failure. It’s just part of figuring out what works for you.
Clear communication matters in any relationship, but in ace-spectrum dating, it can make everything feel a lot easier from the start.
That means being open about how you experience attraction and what intimacy looks like for you, without feeling like you have to apologise for it.
You can keep it simple. Something like: “Here’s how I experience attraction and what intimacy looks like for me. How about you?” It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be honest.
Skipping vague hints and saying things directly can actually make things feel more relaxed, not less. It shows confidence, but also care. You’re making space for both of you to be clear about what feels good and what doesn’t.
That also means checking in, asking for consent, and really listening to each other, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
Apps like HER can make this easier from the start, with prompts and identity options that help you share your boundaries in a way that feels natural.
Things can shift over time. You might notice new layers to your attraction, or realise that some of the rules you set for yourself don’t quite fit anymore.
That doesn’t mean you’re being inconsistent. It just means you’re growing. For some people, that growth also includes exploring where they fall on the aromantic spectrum.
Giving yourself space to reflect can really help. That might look like journaling, checking in after dates, or simply noticing what feels good and what feels a bit off.
Staying flexible doesn’t mean letting go of your boundaries. It means letting your connections evolve in a way that still feels true to you.
Strong boundaries are important, but all-or-nothing rules can sometimes close the door on something that might actually work for you.
What works for you in dating might change over time, and that’s completely normal.
You might start by only wanting to date other ace people, and later feel open to ace-friendly partners. Or the other way around. There’s no fixed path here.
These check-ins aren’t about getting it “right.” They’re just a way to stay connected to what feels good for you.
Small changes, like trying a new queer space or connecting through a community app like HER, can open up new possibilities without putting pressure on yourself to have it all figured out.
There’s no one right way to do this. Some ace people feel more comfortable dating within the community, while others build meaningful connections with respectful non-ace partners. Most people land somewhere in between. What really matters is feeling understood, respected and safe in the connection.
It really comes down to communication and care. Being open about your needs and boundaries, and checking in with each other along the way, makes a big difference. Mixed-orientation relationships can absolutely work when there’s mutual respect and a willingness to understand each other.
Whenever it feels right for you. Some people share early on, others wait until there’s a bit more trust. There’s no perfect timing. What matters is that you feel safe and comfortable. Being honest early can help set the tone, but you don’t owe anyone that conversation before you’re ready.
That feeling is really common, and it can be frustrating. Expanding from “ace-only” to “ace-friendly” can open things up without compromising your boundaries. You’re not lowering your standards, you’re just giving yourself more room to meet people who respect you.
Queer spaces like HER can also help, making it easier to connect with people who already understand your experience.
It’s not always about choosing one over the other.
Focusing on shared values, care and emotional safety can help everything align more naturally. When you feel seen, respected and understood, identity and connection don’t have to compete, they support each other.
Robyn Exton, Jill O'Sullivan, Mook Phanpinit, Jessica Serviat
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
