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Lesbian dating advice: 7 lesbian dating mistakes and what you can do instead

Robyn Exton

Feb 08, 2023

Lesbian dating advice: 7 lesbian dating mistakes and what you can do instead

Lesbian dating can be joyous. A romantic match can result in deep fulfillment, sexy fun, and happiness. But in order to find the connection you’re longing for, you’ve first got to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of dating new people.

Here at HER we’ve got your back! Happy endings are our business. Whether you’re looking for a long-term partner, some casual fun, or something else entirely, we’ve got lots of wlw dating advice that can get you on the road to your own happy ending. Let’s take a look at some of the common pitfalls of lesbian dating that may be keeping you stuck on the path to finding connection.

Lesbian Dating Tip #1: Don’t Be Afraid to Call a Date a Date

If you feel a potential romantic connection with someone and you’re ready to meet up in person, ask them out on an actual date. Using words like “hang-out” can send a confusing message. So if you’re the one asking, say something like “would you like to go out on a date with me?”

Yes, it feels vulnerable. But being clear about your intention from the jump can help you build a strong foundation of honesty and straightforwardness. And you’ll also avoid the awkward wondering that happens all too often when two lesbians meet up.

If they suggest you meet in person without using the ‘d’ word, it’s okay to ask for clarification. You don’t need to interrogate them on their intentions or anything. A simple question like “Are you thinking more of a date vibe or a friendship hang-out?” can clear the air and manage expectations for both of you.

Lesbian Dating Tip #2: Don’t Pretend to Be Someone You’re Not

Of course we all want to put our best foot forward on a first date. You want your date to like you after all. But it’s important to be authentic. So resist the temptation to try to alter yourself to become who you think they want you to be.

I know it sounds a little cliche. But if you don’t show up as your authentic self — flaws and all — and the relationship moves past the first date, you’ll have to either keep up the facade or come clean somewhere down the line.

If you’re new to lesbian dating, you may feel pressure to fit into a certain mold or hide your newbie status. But the right person will be happy to teach you how to date a girl as a girl and spill the tea on how lesbian relationships work.

Lesbian Dating Tip #3: Don’t Hog the Conversation

There are few things worse on a first date than not being able to get a word in. So make sure your date doesn’t feel like an interviewer who’s asking all the questions. 

Early in a relationship we get excited to share our stories and to feel heard. And if your date is a good listener, it might be tempting to just keep talking. But keeping the conversation balanced will assure that your date feels heard too.

It doesn’t have to be complicated. Ask open-ended questions rather than ones that require a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And it’s probably a good idea to stick to lighter topics like hobbies and travel. Delving into religion or politics on the first date doesn’t always go well.

Lesbian Dating Tip #4: Don’t Trauma Dump

If you feel an immediate connection with your date, you may be tempted to dive in deep and share your personal stuff right off the bat. And while this can deepen the connection, it can also start things off in a not-so-healthy way.

Trauma dumping is when you share your trauma with someone without consent. And if the person you’re sharing with isn’t in a healthy place, they can inadvertently absorb that trauma. 

We recommend saving the deep, dark stuff from your past until you’ve gotten to know each other better. That way you can establish boundaries and develop a better understanding of what and when to share.

Lesbian Dating Tip #5: Don’t Reserve the U Haul

There is a bit of truth behind this lesbian stereotype. When looking for a long-term partner, lesbians tend to put our relationships into high gear from the start. When you make a deep connection with a new love interest, you may find yourself wanting to get fully absorbed and spend every minute with them. 

But regardless of how great the chemistry is — and the sex (let’s be real here) — it takes time to get to know someone new. And while you may be sexually compatible and be able to talk for hours, the real baggage doesn’t show up until later. We all have our trauma and our triggers. And there’s not a lesbian alive who doesn’t have a dark secret or two. If you dive into a commitment too quickly, you can develop some unexpected lesbian relationship issues.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy this time. The beginning of a relationship is hot. And it’ll get those happy brain chemicals buzzing. So have fun! Spend loads of time together. But consider holding off on rearranging your lives for each other. When the initial rush wears off and the less flattering traits start showing, you may decide that this new relationship is best kept short.

Lesbian Dating Tip #6: Don’t Talk About Your Exes

Getting over a failed lesbian relationship is tough. As wlw, we tend to dive in deep and develop intense connections in our romances. So when a breakup happens, it can be hard to recover. 

But when you’re ready to get back into the dating scene, save the ex-talk for your therapist. There’s no need to bring old baggage to your new potential romance. If your date progresses into a relationship, you’ll need to delve into your past at some point. But you don’t need to unpack your emotional baggage right away.

Lesbian Dating Tip #7: Don’t Be Afraid to Make the First Move

We live in a heteronormative society. So all our dating norms are grounded in male-female relationships. And in hetero couples, traditionally the man makes the first move. But when you’re a girl dating a girl, it’s not so clear cut. So I want to offer some lesbian dating advice for the first kiss.

You’re both probably nervous. And making the first move may feel like a big risk. But if the date is going well and the vibe feels right, go for it! But remember, consent is sexy. 

Try one of these lines to get consent before going in for that first kiss:

💋 I’d really like to kiss you.

💋 Is it okay if I kiss you?

💋 I’d love to kiss you before I go.

Or if you want to add a romantic twist, write them a spontaneous little note on a napkin or scrap of paper saying “kiss me?”. And then if your date smiles or nods, move in silently for the kiss. That’s a first kiss they’ll remember!

Lesbian dating can be wonderful. And that new connection might be just around the corner for you if you avoid these common pitfalls and get things off on the right foot. And remember, the HER App is THE place for wlw to find each other. Happy dating!

Robyn Exton

Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.

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