Robyn Exton, Mook Phanpinit, Jillian Gogel, Jessica Serviat
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
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Robyn Exton, Mook Phanpinit, Jillian Gogel, Jessica Serviat
Aug 18, 2023
Congratulations on embarking on the journey of lesbian relationships! Whether you’re just here like, “Been there, done that,” currently on your inaugural ride around the block, or shyly admiring the beautiful scenery, I must tell you, you have impeccable taste (and yes, I’m biased). Sapphic romance is some of the best there is, and I’m here to tell you all about it.
A healthy lesbian relationship is built on the same foundations as any healthy relationship: open communication, mutual respect, trust, shared boundaries, and making space for each person to grow. Sapphic relationships can come with their own dynamics and stereotypes, but there’s no single “right” way to build one that lasts.
Are you a newbie looking for a place to start? Yep, keep reading. Are you a lesbian wondering why your sexy lover’s toothbrush, slippers, and wardrobe are now taking over your home? Got you covered. Are you both ecstatic and terrified by the prospect of lesbian intimacy? You’re in the right place. Let’s dive in!
The first thing you should know, if you don’t already, is that there are a lot of stereotypes about us sapphos. We hate men, we’re all butches or femmes, we fall madly in love with every woman we meet, we wear a lot of flannel, etc. (So what if I’m literally wearing flannel while writing this?… I have other clothes too!)
I’ll debunk some of these myths in the next section, but one stereotype you’ve probably heard is that lesbian relationships can move pretty fast. Moving fast doesn’t necessarily mean U-Hauling, a lesbian slang term for moving in together very early in a relationship, sometimes after only a few dates.
It’s perhaps the biggest lesbian cliché of them all. You know, “we had a fabulous second date together at the movies… and on the third, we were grabbing our U-Haul moving truck.”
Source: Elite Daily
Like I said, never fear. If that doesn’t sound like you, it very likely isn’t. (In fact, while we celebrate you dating the way you want to, we also encourage you not to rush into anything that might not be the right fit.)
Still, if you’re aiming for some of that fine wlw (woman-lovin’-woman) love, you may be surprised by the depths you can reach in a short time, especially if you’ve never been in a sapphic relationship before.
There isn’t one reason some sapphic relationships move quickly. Shared queer experiences, a strong early emotional connection, the excitement of finding someone who gets you, or simply individual personalities can all play a role. Moving fast isn’t inherently good or bad, but it’s worth making sure the pace works for both of you.
In my personal experiences, the start of becoming a lesbian couple feels like the start of a lesbian best-friendship: we meet in the context of a mutual interest or activity, bond over shared ideals or passions, find lots of great conversational material, and then also realize we’d like to touch and see each other naked. Then, those desires stay consistent so that, by date 4, we’re basically also calling each other “girlfriend.”
Don’t mistake me. I’m not a serial monogamist (in fact, virtually the opposite), and I tend to take my sapphic intimacy quite seriously. I simply find, together with my partners (and also many other wlw that I know), that there’s no reason not to experience, enjoy, and name a good thing, a new lesbian relationship, for what it is, even if the timeline is shorter than may be conventionally recognized.
As I said before, lesbians, sapphics, and wlw unfortunately bear the brunt of a suite of stereotypes… which has and does lead others (and even some among us) to get the wrong ideas about our queer love and love-making. Sure, some of these stereotypes might contain a tiny grain of truth (flannel really is a functional and stylish choice on so many occasions!), but they certainly don’t apply to everyone.
That said, here are a couple common misconceptions about lesbian relationships, and their corresponding realities:
Wlw are as inclined to appreciate or distance themselves from men (or people in general) as anyone else. Of course, some folks, whether men, women, nonbinary, intersex, or otherwise, are easier to connect with than others, but that’s a people thing and not necessarily related to who we love and who we fuck.
We may not want to sleep with or date men, but plenty of sapphos also have no problem chatting, hanging out, or being friends with them. You’re also not disqualified (or qualified) as a lezzie based on how you relate to men. The moral of the story is: let’s all be as kind as possible, regardless of what stirs our fires. To any man reading this: love you!
Source: LiveAbout
We should all remember that gender and sexuality exist on expansive and evolving spectrums, and that there are infinite ways to be a woman, lesbian, and/or lady-lovin’-lady.
There are certainly wlw who do proudly identify somewhere on the femme/butch spectrum, and plenty of butches who get together with femmes (and vice versa). However, there are also people who love and date women who are neither butch nor femme, both butch and femme, or don’t identify as a woman at all.
At the end of the day, lesbian relationships can include people across a wide range of gender identities and expressions, and we’re glad to keep it that way, even if there are no butches or femmes in sight.
Source: Our Taste for Life
Lesbian relationships can sometimes feel emotionally intense, especially during that honeymoon phase when you’re getting to know each other and building a deeper connection. But it’s not possible or accurate to generalize across entire gender categories, especially because every person and relationship is different.
There is some interesting research on how same-sex couples communicate. In a 12-year study of gay and lesbian couples, researchers John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that gay and lesbian couples in the study used more affection and humor during disagreements and fewer controlling or hostile emotional tactics than heterosexual couples. That doesn’t mean every lesbian relationship communicates the same way, but it does offer some insight into the strengths researchers have observed in same-sex relationships.
Of course, there are many lesbian couples who struggle with communication, never fully open up, or simply aren’t a good match (though you can often find great matches using HER). What matters most is whether you and your partner feel comfortable sharing your feelings, communicating openly, and creating a strong emotional environment together.
Don’t be intimidated! In fact, I can only encourage you to let that be part of the fun. Think of it as a chance to explore yourself more authentically and deeply, including the playful, spicy, goofy, inspiring, mischievous, and blossoming parts of yourself. If you and your partner are still going strong after experiencing all that, you can be pretty certain you’re in the right place.
Source: The Cut
Lesbian bed death is a term used to describe the stereotype that sex becomes less frequent or stops altogether in long-term lesbian relationships. Sexual frequency and desire can change over time in any relationship, so it isn’t an inevitable part of sapphic love.
Much to our dismay, “lesbian bed death” is one of those lesbian tropes that has stuck around. It’s often tied to the antiquated idea that women are less interested in sex than men.
Now, I know that some of you reading this can already prove the idea wrong (and so can I). However, just like with any relationship, keeping your sapphic sex life smokin’ and fiery can require some intention and attention.
How do you keep the spark alive? Here are a few thoughts:
Be sure to communicate with your partner beforehand (and get consent!), but don’t be afraid to explore what feels exciting and fulfilling for both of you.
Source: iStock
Although there’s a lot that’s unique about sapphic romance, a successful relationship is a successful relationship at the end of the day and a failing one is, well, not. I wish I could say there was some Lesbian Bat Signal that told us when it was time to move on, but in most cases, there really isn’t.
That said, here are a few signs that may indicate your relationship needs serious attention, or that it might be time to move on:
If you do find yourself going through a breakup, or are still getting over one, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. Sometimes, people simply aren’t a good match, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Breakups certainly can be painful, some more than others, and you may feel especially vulnerable after your first sapphic heartbreak.
A healthy lesbian relationship is built on open communication, mutual respect, trust, shared boundaries, and making space for each person to grow. There’s no single timeline, relationship structure, or “lesbian way” that works for everyone, so focus on building a connection that feels healthy and fulfilling for both of you.
Take time for your self-care amidst the emotions, because wlw deserve love as much as anyone else.
Remember, every relationship is different and shaped by the individuals involved. The beauty lies in the diversity of experiences, perspectives, and love stories.
So, whether you’re surrounded by cats, U-Hauls, or none of the above, embrace your journey authentically. Remember, love is about connection, growth, and understanding. Flannel optional!
So you see, there’s no designated “lesbian way,” no special (dress) codes or requirements for a successful lesbian relationship. Though, I mean, there’s always flannel 😉 But really, if you want some lady lovin’, it can be as simple as opening up HER, saying yes to the first date, and seeing what happens. The cats, U-Hauls, and everything else? Well, that part is up to you 🙂
Happy dating!
Some lesbian relationships can move quickly, but there’s no universal timeline. Strong early chemistry, shared experiences, or simply individual personalities can all influence the pace, so what matters most is finding a speed that feels right for both of you.
U-Hauling is lesbian slang for moving in together very early in a relationship, sometimes after only a few dates. It’s a well-known sapphic stereotype, but it certainly doesn’t describe every lesbian relationship.
“Lesbian bed death” is a term used to describe the stereotype that sex becomes less frequent or stops altogether in long-term lesbian relationships. Sexual desire and frequency can change in any relationship, so it isn’t an inevitable part of sapphic love.
New relationships can feel intense when there’s strong chemistry, emotional connection, and excitement. That experience isn’t universal or exclusive to lesbian relationships, so it’s more useful to focus on how the relationship feels for you and your partner.
A healthy lesbian relationship is built on open communication, mutual respect, trust, shared boundaries, and ongoing effort. There’s no single timeline or relationship structure that works for every couple, so focus on creating a connection that feels healthy and fulfilling for everyone involved.
Robyn Exton, Mook Phanpinit, Jillian Gogel, Jessica Serviat
Robyn is the CEO & Founder of HER. Find her on Twitter.
