Blog Post

The Not-so-many Perks of Being A Lesbian Wallflower

Lesbian Wallflower is a term I use to describe a lesbian loner. Typically, a femme/lipstick lesbian who’s slightly marginalized in the LGBT community (i.e. no one knows she is a lesbian due to her femininity). She probably doesn’t have many gay friends and has been single for a long time. Does any of this ring a bell? Welcome to the club.
So how does this happen? There are 2 primary reasons why you might be a lesbian wallflower:
red lipstick
Appearance. If you have long hair, wear lipstick, or like dresses… you are probably a lesbian wallflower. One of the main reasons we fall victim to this label is because of the inculcation of lesbian stereotypes and how we’re ‘supposed to look’. There is a large part of today’s society that bases sexuality on appearance. Don’t be ashamed, we all do it (you’re lying if you say you don’t). Appearance is also one of the first ways lesbians try to pick out the gay gal from a crowd. Based on our stereotypes, a feminine lesbian is more likely to be mistaken for a heterosexual woman because she doesn’t wear snapbacks and board shorts all the time.
the real l work
Socializing (or lack of). Just about every woman reading this can empathize with how difficult it can be to meet other lesbian women. Our options are pretty limited to gay nightclubs (if you’re lucky enough to have a gay scene in your area) and online dating (via HER app, of course). If you don’t partake in any of the above activities, you’ll probably remain unknown to the lesbian community forever *cue the world’s smallest violin*.
The perks. One of the best perks of being a lesbian wallflower is having the power to choose when and to whom you come out. It’s almost like being an undercover secret agent (D.E.B.S., anyone?)! There have been countless times when I’ve found myself in a group of people who stumble upon a controversial gay rights debate or two. I happily listen to all the opinions before I choose to drop the I’m-a-lesbian bomb and relish in the variety of reactions.
cruel intentions
The not-so-perks. As a lesbian wallflower, if you do manage to make gay friends you may still feel excluded from the lez community. I am constantly rebuked for the pleasure I take in ‘girly’ movies like He’s Just Not That Into You or Cruel Intentions. Ever get the argument, “Real lesbians don’t like those types of movies”? Well I say, in no way or form should anyone ever feel the need to validate his or her sexual orientation for someone else.
If you found yourself nodding in agreement, or screaming “yaaas” in your head whilst reading this, know that you are certainly not alone. There are plenty of ways to overcome your life as a lesbian wallflower. And I’ll be back to tell you more next week. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there socially, via HER app or tumblr, you’re likely to meet other gay gals like you!