Select your language

Download HER

I've Been Out For 14 Years And I've Learned…

Apr 24, 2014

By Luisa
Nothing has to change because I’m gay and I still don’t fancy you.
I came out when I was 12 years old. I was in year 8 in an all-girls’ school, and I was completely besotted with my (drum roll for unique experience please…) PE teacher. It was never a massive issue at school, I had my one-liners ready for anyone trying to give me grief, and my parents were the most supportive people in the world (apparently they knew from when I was 9). It did comfort me to find that people didn’t actually have an issue with me being the way I am, and I didn’t have to hide. I did learn, however, that there are always the few ignorant girls that will assume that you fancy them because they are female, and are very confused by the notion that you might not, and the question presented to them ‘do you fancy all your male friends?’ seemed to puzzle them no end. I remember the first time a girl told me ‘I don’t care if you’re a lesbian, as long as you don’t come on to me!’ – When she was told in no uncertain terms that I would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork that hit on her, I never had another word out of her.
There’s always drama but you don’t have to be a part of it.

When I moved to Manchester, I worked in a lesbian bar for 14 months. Oh my, did that open my eyes to the world of adult dykes. The drama is the main issue that stood out for me – ‘she slept with my ex and I kissed her sister who used to date my exes new girlfriend’ type drama. I find that in the lesbian world, some people feel the need to be defined by their sexuality, rather than it just be a part of them.  The drama of the lesbian world is definitely something I steer clear of, and don’t involve myself in. It’s petty and boring!

Being open in public might not be for you but it is for me.
When it comes to being open, I have learnt that some women find this difficult. I have been with women who have found it difficult to even hold hands in public, or who come from families who hate the fact they are gay and do everything in their power to hide the truth.  I believe that many people still think there is a taboo when it comes to being gay. A taboo that, in my opinion, has deteriorated rapidly, year on year, for many years. I have found that it is very difficult for me to be with someone who wants to hide who they are, for them or for the benefit of anyone else. I’ve learnt that I have been lucky in the sense of both having a support network, yet not needing one, and having mainly good experience with my sexuality, rather than disturbing ones. Maybe I would have frequented the scene less in my younger years, but at the same time I’m glad I did – It made me realise what I did and didn’t want from a woman.
Want to share what your experiences?  Email to tell her the three lessons you’ve learned.
Luisa is a personal trainer, freelance Marketing Consultant and Chelsea supporter who loves nothing more than a nice glass of red wine, good food and the English countryside. You can follow Luisa’s tweets here:@lu1820

Newsletter Sign Up