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Jul 26, 2023
So, you had a great first date with the queer hottie you met on HER, and now it’s time to plan a second date.
You’ve established some level of comfort with each other and are excited about seeing where things could go. However, there’s still an element of unpredictability and pressure to continue to make a good impression and keep the momentum going. And that can be stressful!
That’s why we put together the best second-date tips for queer, non-binary, and transgender people! So all you need to worry about now is where you plan to go for the third date that’s bound to come.
Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered. This guide is for anyone who wants to go on a second date and is looking to continue building a connection with someone.
So, whether you’re looking for a full-blown relationship, more intimacy while casually dating, or just looking to hook up with someone a few times and call it a day — there’s something here for you.
There is nothing wrong with casual sex without intending to pursue a long-term relationship so long as you’re respectful, upfront, and always communicate your needs and expectations with your dates and partners!
If your first date was a big success, you might be overwhelmed with a million questions, like: How can I get a second date? Why can’t I stop thinking about them? Should I text them first? How long should I wait after a date to reach out? What should I say? Should I use emojis or go sans emojis?! And most importantly, how do I ask them to go on a second date?
It’s a lot! There’s nothing like a budding fling to make us feel all sorts of things, but there’s no need to panic.
The good news is that there are no surefire rules or answers for any of these questions in the dating world. The most important dating advice is to be yourself and act as you naturally would.
If you are an avid texter, don’t be afraid to shoot them a text! You can send it a few hours after your first date or even the next day. Tell them you loved connecting and are excited to meet again sometime soon. Don’t worry about “playing it cool.”
After my first date with my partner, I was spinning. We first met online and decided to go out for cocktails. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. The next day, I sent her the song “Kiss Me More” by Doja Cat and SZA because that was THE VIBE. Years ago, I would have been way too nervous to make myself vulnerable like that. She responded, “same,” and the rest is history.
If your enthusiasm or interest puts someone off, they aren’t meant for you. The best relationships are built from reciprocity and mutual excitement. You deserve someone who is going to match your energy 100%.
Now strap in for the best lesbian dating advice of your life, where we’ll be helping you:
The first date is more of a get-to-know-you situation. You’ve probably asked your standard small talk questions and maybe some deep ones (we are gay, after all). The second date is the right time to break out of the typical mutual interview format and have fun together!
By now, you should feel more comfortable with each other and be able to relax a bit. If you’re a nature queer, a great second-date idea could be hiking or walking in a botanical garden or cemetery. Bring some cute picnic snacks and a blanket to lie down on for extra points.
If the outdoors isn’t your style, try a second date, like playing mini golf, bowling, or going to an arcade! This will give you a chance to laugh together and have fun.
You could even check out a local queer art opening, visit a gallery, or attend a drag brunch together. Anything that involves spending time and doing something together.
Second dates allow you to feel someone’s energy and how they move in the world. Set time parameters or let the date unfold naturally, whichever feels most comfortable for you.
A second date is a great time to start to get to know the person you’re hanging out with. Try to save the deeper chats for when you meet up in person. Texting a new crush can give you butterflies, but it can also feel transactional or full of mixed messages.
Your second date with someone is a chance to see if the conversation flows. Now is a good time to notice if they are a good listener or if you feel comfortable around them. During the second date, you can start asking each other deeper questions about life and relationships.
Some good second-date questions are to ask someone about their family or their best friends. Ask more about their hobbies or what they are most passionate about in their life. Having these questions on the back burner can help ease your mind if you start feeling nervous on a second date.
It’s okay if there are still some awkward silences. It’s natural for there to be pauses in the conversation for people to gather their thoughts and respond to each other thoughtfully. Resist the urge to fill every silence and instead let things be as they are.
If the conversation really isn’t flowing (or you can’t stand silence), feel free to jump in and talk about something that excites you. Is there a movie you’ve recently watched that you can’t stop thinking about? What is your ultimate pet peeve? Which celebrity posters did you have on your bedroom wall as a kid?
Now might be a good time to talk about what you are both looking for in terms of a relationship. Some questions to ask include: do you prefer monogamy or non-monogamy? Do you want kids? Do you have plans to move to another city, or are you trying to settle down here?
Second dates can help you work out whether you have the same relationship goals and values. If you don’t know what you want from dating right now, that’s also okay! Just make sure that you and your date are on a similar page.
Source: Instagram, a meme by @tribbingmemes
Even though second dates can be nerve-wracking, try to let the date unfold as organically as possible. One of the biggest dating mistakes people make is trying to force the natural trajectory of a relationship. Some connections happen instantaneously, while others might take a while to develop. Release the need to make things happen faster than they are meant to.
Granted, “fast” can be a subjective term, especially if you are a chronic U-haul lesbian and your first date was 60+ hours long (we respect the hustle, icon). However, try your best to resist the urge to control the outcome of things.
Now might be a good time to start talking about physical intimacy. Whether you’ve already slept together or you haven’t even kissed yet, it’s never too late (or early!) to talk about intimacy!
Do you typically make the first move? Are you more of a service top or a pillow princess? Do you have any hang-ups around physical intimacy? Are you a super physical person or does it take a while for you to warm up to others?
It can be easy to take things personally without proper communication about wants, needs, and boundaries. These types of things can be good to establish early on, so there are no major miscomms further down the road.
Toss away any preconceived notions you might have about when the “right time” to make a move is. We are here, and we are queer! We get to throw away strict rules about dating and make up our own timelines for sex, intimacy, or physicality. If the timing feels right, then it is right.
While you might be eager to get physical with your date, consent is key. It shows that you really care about someone else’s needs.
Consent helps to build trust, even if it can feel a bit silly to ask for permission every step of the way. There are plenty of ways to make consent fun and cute!
You can always say something flirty like, “I’d really like to kiss you right now. Is that okay?” or “Would it be okay with you if I moved a little closer to you?”
If you’re looking to take things a step further, you can invite them back to your place after the date. Always read the signals, and remember that anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a no.
With a little luck and a whole lot of being yourself, you’ll nail your second date and be well on your way to the third, fourth, and many more! Happy dating, babes! You got this!
Dusty Brandt Howard is a writer & a fighter. He is a trans masculine cultural narrator who builds worlds with words. You can follow his thirst traps on Instagram, his writing on Substack, or find him at your local queer bar in northeast LA.
