10 Easy Ways Lesbian Couples Talk About What They Love During Sex

So, you have a new partner and you want to take the next step and talk about what should go down in the bedroom. But, you feel a little awkward about it. We get it, and we’ve been there. 

Talking about pleasure doesn’t have to feel clinical. It can feel warm. Playful. A little breathless.

If you’ve ever wanted to say “right there” but didn’t know how to say it without freezing: this is for you.

Sapphic sex isn’t about scripts. It’s about noticing and paying attention. It’s about feedback that feels like flirting. It’s about treating consent like a living, breathing vibe check instead of a paperwork form.

And the truth? Research shows that open, ongoing conversations boost satisfaction and intimacy for queer couples- especially when the feedback is specific and caring (see Baylor’s guidance on sexual communication with a partner).

So this isn’t about performance, it’s about connection.

Sexual communication builds trust — and better orgasms

The more clearly you can name what feels good, the easier it is for your partner to give it to you. Sexual communication with a partner supports trust, clarity, and pleasure.

Specific > vague.
Curious > critical.
Collaborative > performative.

And yes… feedback is hot. IYKYK.

HER App and sapphic communication culture

HER was built by and for sapphic communities, so our approach to intimacy centers on emotional fluency, fluid roles, and reciprocity.

We treat consent as ongoing.
We normalize talking about desire before clothes come off.
We make space for softness and kink in the same breath.

Features like Pride Pins, community groups, and profile options for intimacy and kink preferences help normalize real talk early (profiles on HER include intimacy and kink preferences).

Because sapphic sex isn’t linear. It’s exploratory. It’s co-created. It’s awesome.

Here’s some quick definitions:

Sapphic: An inclusive term for women and many nonbinary people who love, date, or desire women.
Consent: A clear, voluntary, enthusiastic “yes” that can be changed or withdrawn anytime.
Check-in: A quick, honest pause to ask how each of you feels and what you want next.

Here’s how our lens differs from old-school sex ed:

Topic	Traditional Sex Ed	Sapphic Communication on HER
Focus	Anatomy-first, heteronormative scripts	Pleasure mapping, fluid roles, queer realities
Consent	One-time “yes”	Ongoing, enthusiastic, and revisited
Communication	Minimal, “don’t ruin the mood”	Feedback is sexy, kind, and specific
Goals	Performance/orgasm pressure	Connection, curiosity, and shared discovery
Tools	Limited/no toys	Inclusive of toys, signals, and scripts

1. Name the feeling

Vague feedback leads to guesswork. Turn “I like that” into something your partner can use right away: firmer, softer, slower, faster, lighter, deeper, smaller circles, wider strokes, stay right there. Specificity is a love language, making direction feel easy, not critical, because you’re describing sensations and not judging technique (see practical tips to improve sexual pleasure).

Try making a tiny “sensation menu” and saying items out loud in a mirror so the words feel natural. Example menu:

• Slower circles on the clit, medium pressure
• Gentle tapping then glide; add lube
• Two fingers inside, shallow, steady pace
• Keep your palm still; move just your fingertips
• Kiss my inner thighs first; build up to direct touch

Manual stimulation means using hands or fingers to create pleasure. In an Autostraddle reader survey on lesbian sex, 97.2% reported using manual stimulation and 55% reported vibrator use, so getting specific isn’t unusual, it’s totally common  (reader survey on lesbian sex).

2. Green, yellow, red signals

The traffic-light system is a low-drama way to adjust in real time:

• Green = Yes, more please (you can add “faster,” “harder,” or “keep going”).
• Yellow = Pause or softer; check in and recalibrate.
• Red = Stop now; switch to comfort and care.

Set it up before clothes come off:

1. Agree on what each color means for you both.
2. Decide how you’ll signal (a word, squeeze pattern, or a tap).
3. Practice saying yellow and red in a calm voice so it’s easy mid-heat.
4. Pair it with a quick Yes/No/Maybe list to pre-map boundaries and curiosities (Yes/No/Maybe lists).

Safe word: Any pre-agreed word or signal that instantly pauses or stops sex, so no one has to debate meaning in the moment (sexual consent guidance).

3. Guide my hand

Sometimes the clearest direction is physical. Place your hand over hers and show pace, pressure, or angle. Move her fingers where you want them; then let go and say, “Just like that.” Demonstration is especially helpful with clitoral preferences and when exploring new areas or toys. Less pressure, more co-creating (how lesbian sex works).

When to try it:

• First time together or new hookup
• You’re both learning a new toy
• Words feel clunky, or you’re shy
• You’re close to orgasm and want to stay on the exact spot

4. Demo with mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation (AKA touching yourselves together) lets partners visually learn technique, pressure, and rhythm while keeping things intimate and low-stakes. It’s a shared masterclass in “what works on my body,” and gives you a front-row seat to their cues too. Many lesbians also mix in toys, which can make preferences clearer (Autostraddle’s survey noted common vibrator use, see stats above).

Try a simple “demo night”:

• Set the vibe: low light, lube, water, towels, toy charger.
• Take turns: one person demos while the other watches and asks short, curious questions.
• Mirror moves: the watcher tries the same motions on themselves, then on you (with consent).
• Wrap up with cuddles and one “favorite thing” each.

5. Toy feedback session

Toys aren’t stand-ins; they’re shared tools for more sensation and more options. Treat it like playful research: test a new toy together, swap who holds it, and compare settings. Narrate what’s working in short bursts, things like: “that rumbly speed is perfect,” “angle down a bit,” “less pressure on the tip.”

• Dildo: A penetrative sex toy, often phallic-shaped, typically made of silicone, glass, or metal. Can be used internally or externally.
• Vibrator: A toy that vibrates to create stimulation; styles range from bullets and wands to suction toys. Use on the clit, labia, vulva, or wherever else feels good.

Make it a game:

• “Show & Tell”: each person demonstrates their favorite pattern or position.
• “Setting Swap”: try the same spot with three intensities and vote.
• “Toy + Hands”: combine a vibrator externally while a hand stays still internally.

6. Use a cue phrase

Micro-phrases keep the flow: “more there,” “a little softer,” “yes, keep that speed,” “right above,” “stay shallow,” “switch hands,” “add lube,” “don’t stop,” “pause.” They’re fast, kind, and sexy. If you want help brainstorming, check ideas for what to say during sex.

Decide on 2 or 3 custom cues together before your next hookup. In the moment, echo what’s amazing (“that stroke, exactly like that”) so your partner locks in what works.

7. Regular sex check-ins

Think of sex talks as mini tune-ups, not big Serious Conversations. A five-minute monthly check-in (or after milestones like new meds, moving, or stress spikes) keeps you aligned on what’s working, what’s new, and what’s a “not tonight.” Ask, listen, and keep it light; many couples find that short, frequent chats make sex feel safer and hotter (discussing sexual desires).

Sample script:

• “Favorite thing lately?”
• “One small tweak you’d try next time?”
• “Any new curiosity? Toy, position, vibe?”
• “Boundaries that feel solid right now?”

Pro tip: Screenshot your “favorites” and keep a private note you both can update.

8. Mirror and solo practice

Knowing your body is the cheat code for better partnered sex. Solo sessions help you map what touch, rhythm, and pressure turn you on… And give you language and moves to share. For many, vibrator or hand exploration becomes a bridge to a clearer direction with partners (lesbian sex tips for deeper connection). In community surveys, a large share of lesbians also use vibrators solo (see Autostraddle stats above).

Mirror practice: Use a mirror or front-facing video to watch your own pleasure cues—breath, hips, hand angle—then show or describe those specifics to your partner later.

9. Aftercare conversation

Aftercare isn’t just for kink scenes. It’s the gentle check-in with cuddling, water, snacks, or a quick chat to make sure you both feel good, seen, and connected. Small rituals like this boost security and make it easier to request tweaks next time without it feeling like critique (Lesbian relationship advice).

Try:

• “What did you like most?”
• “Anything you want differently next time?”
• “More cuddles or solo chill?”
• “Need water, snack, or blanket?”

10. Role flexibility and play

Lesbian sex isn’t fixed “giver vs. receiver.” Try swapping who leads, who guides hands first, or who picks the playlist. Flexibility keeps discovery alive and avoids ruts. You can take turns steering the session, or pass the mic mid-moment so both of you get to ask and receive (lesbian sex tips). (But if you’re secure in your roles- that’s also totally okay!)

Playful ideas:

• Trade roles halfway through
• Flip a favorite position
• “Director’s Cut”: one leads for five minutes, then swaps
• No assumptions. Ask first, then play

How to start small and build communication habits

Pick one tool, like “guide my hand” or a single cue phrase, and try it this week. Add another every couple of weeks. Keep it collaborative, light, and curious. If you want more inspiration on naming desires with heart, browse HER’s guide to talking about sex with #PleasureOverEverything.

Here’s your quick-start roadmap:

Method	Easy to try	Next level
Name the feeling	Use two words: “slower, softer.”	Create a 5-item sensation menu.
Green yellow red signals	Agree on colors and meanings.	Add a Yes/No/Maybe list and practice.
Guide my hand	Place your hand over hers to show speed.	Demonstrate, then let her replicate solo.
Demo with mutual masturbation	Take turns watching and mirroring.	Combine with toys and a mini Q&A.
Toy feedback session	Try one new setting together.	Run a “setting swap” challenge.
Use a cue phrase	Pick two phrases each.	Build a custom mini-lexicon.
Regular sex check-ins	5-minute monthly chat.	Keep a shared “favorites” note.
Mirror and solo practice	Note one move that always works.	Record a private demo for each other.
Aftercare conversation	Ask one “favorite thing?”	Add a comfort ritual (tea, playlist, cuddle).
Role flexibility and play	Swap who leads once.	Alternate leadership every few minutes.

Frequently asked questions

How do I talk about wanting more sex or mismatched desire with my partner?

Honestly expressing desire is normal. Try a chill chat about what feels good for both of you instead of labeling anyone as having a ‘high’ or ‘low’ libido. Focusing on emotional connection eases pressure when talking about sex.

What if I’m shy about sharing a kink or preference?

If sharing a kink feels vulnerable, start by asking your partner about their fantasies first. This makes it a two-way street and helps find common ground in a conversation about pleasure.

How can I guide my partner to help me orgasm without pressure?

Try inviting your partner to explore with you by guiding their hand, showing pressure and rhythm you like, and framing it as a team effort in discovering what feels best together.

How do I introduce sex toys without making my partner feel uncomfortable?

Present sex toys as a fun, shared experiment. Make a date night to shop for toys together, discuss what looks interesting, and stress that toys are about exploring new sensations together, not about replacement.

What are effective ways lesbian couples communicate during sex for better intimacy?

Lesbian couples often use honest conversations, playful feedback, and ongoing check-ins during sex to build intimacy. Short phrases, nonverbal signals, and post-sex chats make desires clear and keep the connection strong.