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Feb 14, 2023
Are you bisexual? Do you find yourself in a state of s t r e s s when you think about dating, because how do I even? You’re not alone! Did you know that there’s a name for it?
Let’s talk about bi panic!
Bi panic is kind of an enigmatic term, used in different ways depending on the context. But to put it simply, it refers to the flustered feeling bisexuals may experience when coming across unexpected attraction to people of one or more genders. You might have heard of a similar term, “gay panic,” which refers to the same feeling for same-gender attraction.
Let’s use bi panic in a sentence. For example, I had such a bi panic moment last night at the club. So many hot people in one place!
If you still struggle with understanding the term, we’ve got more explanations and some excellent bi panic examples in the following article. Just read on!
Bi panic has trended online as a term to describe the confusing and sometimes exhilarating experience bisexuals feel when they come across one or more attractive people of varying genders (whether or not they are a fictional person
It’s sometimes used in a cheeky and fun way, as it’s often used on TikTok, for example.
But the truth is that when you live your life with straight being the default, it can be so scary to suddenly experience and acknowledge attraction to different genders for the first time.
This feeling can be similar to – you guessed it – panic.
But this feeling isn’t just limited to dating. There are a million questions that can race through your head. It can be a LOT. But, we get you. And we’re here to help. If you’ve experienced any of the following racing questions in your head, you might be experiencing bi panic:
Panic attacks are a serious diagnosis, so the last thing we want to do is say there is a real diagnosis like “bisexual panic attack,” but it’s definitely possible to experience intense distress over newfound attraction and how you fit into the queer community, especially if you are just awakening to your bisexuality.
Related reading: are you wondering if you’re bi? Here are 17 Signs That You’re Bisexual from the HER blog.
As we said, bi panic can be used cheekily, but the potential stress of coming out and experiencing bi-phobia is real.
That being said, consider the following list of symptoms of bi panic as a spectrum of sorts. It varies from a temporary flustered feeling, like when you see a beautiful couple on the street, to intense anxiety stemming from an identity crisis that could potentially affect your everyday life. In the second case, you should absolutely talk about it with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor who supports your feelings and experience.
If you or someone you know are experiencing any of these symptoms, you should know that you’re not alone. Finding community is one of the best things you could do to transform feeling anxious about being bisexual to feeling empowered about your attraction to multiple genders!
And one of the best ways to find community is to get out there and make new friends, which you can certainly do on the HER app. Whether looking for friends, something casual, or a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, it’s only a matter of time before you find someone who will fit perfectly into your life. It’s why HER is one of the best bisexual dating apps out there!
Thankfully we are in an amazing age of television & film where we are getting bi panic character visibility on the screen! Here’s some of our faves.
Source: Cinemablend
The queen of clowns herself! Famously, she’s known as an agent of chaos and a villain. (She’s a bad guy- it’s what she does!). Impulsive? Check. Torn between two lives? Check. Hot male and female partners? Check plus. Her most famous romance was with the famed Joker, with whom she has a tumultuous relationship to say the least. However, in recent years she is a confirmed bicon. In Birds of Prey, her past relationship with a woman is shown in an animated clip. But what’s better is her relationship with Poison Ivy on the rebooted animated series.
Source: Vulture
Okay, I know, but we can’t talk about bi panic representations and NOT mention Piper. When she’s sent to prison, she is happily engaged to a man, but is thrust into a dramatic plot line involving her hot drug dealer ex Alex and a hot new inmate played by Ruby Rose. Piper is forever questioning her life choices, her romantic interests, and what she really wants out of life- both in and out of orange. Whether you love her or hate her, she definitely has a panic or two (each episode, for ten years…)
Source: Slash Film
This ensign is a complicated character- but her bisexuality doesn’t feel like it’s the cause of most of the stress (but, we know the questions that run through our minds non-stop and know that it cannot help the situation!) She’s one of the sharpest minds on the deck and is fiercely loyal, and doesn’t play by the rules when it means she can help others or have a bit of fun. Relatably, her parents have star-high expectations of her and she worries about letting them down. She also tends to keep her relationships at arm’s length. She might act like she doesn’t care but deep down, there’s that all-too-familiar fear that no one will accept her for the bisexual chaotic spirit that she is, and that she will disappoint them too. Her bisexuality? Just another piece of the wild, unapologetic puzzle that makes her who she is.
Source: Our Movie Life
Nothing is more panicking than the Good Place, where there’s questionable chaos at every turn. Eleanor’s journey in this show is a wild one. She has to learn how to be a better person in the afterlife, as well as how to express her feelings in a healthy, *constructive* way. She doesn’t have to come out, she just exists, albeit in a state of existential crisis.We love that her bisexuality is just a fact, and not a major plot or an epic dramatic tragedy. Flirty by nature, we just love to watch her grow episode after episode.
It’s happening. You feel the bi panic buzzing in your brain. Your thoughts are racing with 1000 questions and you want to scream into the rainbow void because WHY IS BEING BISEXUAL SO DAMN HARD AND EXHAUSTING!?
Take a deep breath. Grab yourself an iced oatmilk lavender matcha latte. Sit weirdly in a chair and get comfortable. We are here to tackle some of the most burning bi panic questions to help make your life a little less chaotic.
Looking for more advice on whether or not you are bisexual? We can help with that too!
HER team
There isn’t a definitive way to “dress like a bisexual,” as bisexuality is a sexual orientation, not a fashion style. That said- there’s a couple of items that the internet insists have 100% pure bisexual vibes.
👖 Cuffed jeans. Yes, really. It might be that there’s some serious symbolism here about how we are all just looking to get cuffed and find our one true love. Maybe it’s just really cute and help shows off our quirky patterned and probably mismatched socks which is pretty gay too. Either way, it’s giving bi.
💙 Denim vests or jackets. It’s not really so much about the denim (though, we love us some denim) but more about the canvas. Denim is the perfect backdrop for all of the pins and patches you’ll collect now that you’re identifying as queer. From the free ones you grabbed during pride parades, to the ones on Etsy from queer creators that show off the bi colors, denim lets you show off your views, sense of humor, and aesthetic all at once.
💙 Flannel. Doesn’t matter the season. Doesn’t matter the color. Flannel may as well be a sapphic beacon to bring all the girls to the yard.
🩷💜💙 The bisexual colors: purple, blue, and pink. If you need to be more on the downlow with your pride- hey, we get it. You can be more subtle by getting pieces in these three colors. It might not scream BISEXUAL to the outside world- but you’ll know, and that’s pretty cool.
Ultimately, dressing in a way that feels authentic and comfortable to you is key. Fashion is about self-expression, so whether you lean towards androgynous, alternative, or mainstream styles, if you’re bisexual, and you’re wearing clothes- you’re dressed like a bisexual!
Nope. And let’s dismiss another few stereotypes while we’re at it, shall we? Being bisexual is not being “fake gay”. It is not “an excuse to cheat”. It’s not somehow a weird superhighway to being a full-fledged lesbian, and it’s not a Scooby-Doo villain-esque plot to get all the perks of being straight AND gay.
Being bisexual is a valid and enduring orientation, just like being straight, lesbian, or asexual.
However… It is also TOTALLY OKAY if it is a phase FOR YOU. There is nothing wrong with being bi-curious or exploring to see if you are attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t invalidate your feelings as you navigate them. It’s important to recognize and respect each person’s sexual identity as valid, whether it’s fluid or consistent over time.
We might be the experts when it comes to all things sapphic, but even we cannot answer this for you. This depends on how you personally identify, and which identity vibes best with you.
The distinction between being bisexual and pansexual ultimately comes down to how you personally define and experience your attraction to others. Bisexuality traditionally refers to being attracted to two or more genders, often with the understanding that gender may play some role in attraction. Pansexuality, on the other hand, is characterized by attraction to people regardless of gender, meaning gender is not generally a defining factor in whom you’re attracted to. Both identities overlap in many ways, so the choice between them depends on which label feels more accurate or comfortable to you.
It’s okay to take time to explore your feelings and choose the identity that resonates most with your experience. Whether you’re pan or bi, you’re valid (and queer) just the same.
Yes. And yes. Bi erasure is such an issue, and it’s important to talk about how bisexuality comes into play while you’re in a relationship. Bisexuality is a valid identity. Once more for folks in the back: BISEXUALITY IS A VALID IDENTITY. You do not have to shape shift into a lesbian or a straight girl just because you’re dating someone. You are simply a bisexual who is dating a man, a woman, or any other identity. Your bisexuality is not (and shouldn’t be) erased from your identity and who you are because your relationship status changes.
No matter who you’re dating: if you’re bisexual you’re bisexual.
Sorry darling, but this is another question that you’ll need to answer on your own. But, we can help!
It is COMPLETELY normal for bisexual folks to have varying levels of attraction to different genders, and there’s no right or wrong balance. Some bisexuals might feel more attraction to one gender over another, while others experience their attractions equally or shift over time. What really matters is that you acknowledge and honor your feelings without pressure (from yourself, others, or even the queer community) to “choose” or quantify them. Bisexuality is inherently fluid and flexible, so it’s okay if your preferences fluctuate or lean one way more than the other—it doesn’t make your bisexuality any less valid.
Who among us can really say what’s “gay enough”? If you’re attracted to more than one gender, that’s all it takes! There’s no other hidden terms or conditions to accept here.
Deciding whether to come out to your family as bisexual is a deeply personal choice, and there’s no right or wrong time to do it. You should only come out when you feel ready and safe to do so. If you’re still exploring your identity or are unsure of how your family might react, it’s okay to take your time. Some folks choose to come out early in their journey, while others wait until they feel more secure or even wait until they are in a relationship that might raise questions. Your safety, comfort, and emotional readiness are the most important factors, so trust your instincts and go at your own pace. You don’t owe anyone an explanation until you feel it’s right for you.
Yep! Sexual experience or activity is not a requirement for being bisexual. You could even be a bisexual virgin, and that’s totally cool (and normal too!). Bisexuality has to do with sexual *attraction*, not sexual history. You are still able to raise that bi pride flag high even if you haven’t slept with a specific gender.
The bi panic is real! If you’ve only slept with men, or haven’t had sex before period, having sex with women can be intimidating AF. We promise, that while it might be nerve-wracking and exhilarating, it can be an amazingly intimate and pleasurable experience. We’re going to toot our own horn here and suggest Unlocking Pleasure: a Beginner’s Guide to Lesbian Sex. We wrote this with folks like you in mind, and we are here to help you navigate this exciting first as safety and comfortably as possible.
Tell us about it. Bisexual dating apps are few and far between, and the heteronormative mainstream apps have made it pretty clear they don’t really give a shit about how queer folks experience meeting people. Where other apps struggle is inclusion. There are some apps who only let you pick one gender to search for. It’s 2024, seriously? There are also apps that only let you identify as “man”, “woman”, or “other”. We agree that labels aren’t always important but this is the worst kind of Big Three and isn’t helpful for so many queer folks.
Then, there’s the unicorn hunting. Ugh. Possibly one of the worst curses bestowed upon the bisexual community is the idea that some rando straight couple can just walk up like “Hey my wife and I saw you from across the bar…” and expect you to not only be into a threesome but also somehow flattered and honored for the opportunity? There’s nothing wrong with threesomes, polyamory, and triads. But having an assumption that ALL bisexuals secretly want this and then doubling down and literally treating apps like a hunting ground to bag a bisexual is so fucking weird and creepy. Bisexuals are human beings with feelings and desires and dreams and they do not exist to be your experiment, sex toy, or an attempt to save your marriage.
HER lets you describe yourself however YOU choose- because no one knows you better than, well, you! You are also in complete control when it comes to who you want to see while you’re swiping, so that you can swipe less, save time, and find the person of your dreams.
We also don’t allow unicorn hunting. Period. It’s against our guidelines, so you can browse safely knowing that the lovely folks on HER who match with you want to get to know YOU, not just the idea of you.
Shameless plug: HER! Over 30% of the amazing people on HER identify as bisexual. You’re not only welcome here, but celebrated. We even have a specific HER community aimed JUST for bisexuals, so you can know from the get-go that you’re finding your people. We also host IRL and virtual bisexual events so you can meet the cute barista down the street, or a drop-dead gorgeous DJ from overseas. The world is your big gay oyster!
But of course, HER isn’t the only place to meet bisexual women online or in real life. If you’re in a major Metro area, check for your local Bisexual Network or Alliance. For example, Chicago has the Bisexual Queer Alliance of Chicago that has events, merch, meetings and more. The London Bisexual Network is a space for bisexuals in the professional and business space to connect, and they host talks and panels regularly.
Searches like Google, Discord, and Reddit can help you better find your local communities. But lowkey- we recommend going to pride events! While bisexual pride obviously isn’t the sole focus of Pride Parades, often times local groups and hobby groups and activist causes will march for visibility with the intended goal of getting new members! Don’t be afraid to take a pamphlet or merch, a photo to remember the group, or ask them about the group when you see them after the event. Respectfully, of course!
Short answer: No.
Long answer No, but with more explanation. No, identifying as bisexual instead of pansexual doesn’t make you transphobic or a TERF. Bisexuality is defined as attraction to two or more genders, which can absolutely include transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming people. Both bisexuality and pansexuality are valid identities, and the choice between them really just boils down to how someone experiences or describes their attraction. What matters most is that you’re respectful and inclusive of people of all genders, regardless of how you label or define your own sexuality.
No. *eye rolls*
Cheaters are cheaters regardless of identity, and cheating isn’t somehow only a plague put on society by us pesky bisexuals. Lesbians can cheat. Straight people can cheat. Asexuals can cheat. Cheating is a PEOPLE problem, not an identity one. Implying otherwise is biphobia, plain and simple. Click here to learn more about the biphobia meaning and how to deal with it.
We asked our Community Manager, Jill, to help us out with this question. She’s bi+ and is in a long-term relationship of fourteen years with her partner Emily, who identifies as a lesbian. She had this to say,
“Honestly, we got along this far by tuning out the assholes. My partner loves and trusts me. We have been through hard times and amazing times, and one thing that has never come up is my attraction to dudes. Any bump in the road about my orientation has been a seed planted by third parties. Third parties, mind you, that I definitely did not ask for an opinion, and who are NOT invited into my relationship, so can kindly butt out and leave me alone. Emily has been warned by other lesbians about “people like me” and honestly, we laugh at them once they leave. It’s a cliche but it’s true- actions speak louder than words. As long as you have trust, honesty, and ongoing and open communication with your partner, it shouldn’t be a problem. Talk the small stuff out so it doesn’t silently breed resentment and become big stuff.”
Jill O’Sullivan
Her partner Emily was kind enough to offer a lesbian perspective on this question for us (Thanks Emily!) too. Here’s what they think,
“It’s the same as dating someone who exclusively likes women or folks that are AFAB. I don’t feel like I’m in competition with men or women for my partner. My partner chose me, she loves me, she’s with me. Isn’t that how any other relationship is between gays and heterosexual people are? Besides, being in the unique position of me being fluid with my own gender expression, I feel like I’m just as attractive to my partner in cargo pants and a tee as I am in a skirt and blouse. So, that’s a nice bonus for me. I love my partner and the spectrum of gender she finds attractive doesn’t matter to me or impact how much I love her.”
Emily
If you’re interested in hearing more from Jill, check out her coming out story.
If you’re a lesbian or straight person who is dating a bisexual person and you’re seeing this question and wondering how to be an awesome ally: we’ve got you covered.
It really depends on how you gel with your attractions. Some people are into specific genders, like men and women, while others are more drawn to the energy—like femininity or masculinity—regardless of gender. It’s totally valid either way! If you feel like your attraction is more about someone’s vibe or how they express themselves rather than their gender, that’s cool too. Everyone’s got their own way of experiencing attraction, so don’t stress about fitting into a box—just do you and figure out what clicks for you. There’s no wrong answers on the bisexual test.
Source: imgur
Ugh, unicorn hunters. The plague of dating apps and Applebee’s happy hours nationwide. If you’re bi, you’ll probably run into couples looking for a “third” to spice things up, and it’s important to know that you’re not obligated to be anyone’s fantasy just because you’re bi. It’s cool if that’s something you’re into, but if not, it’s totally okay to set boundaries and say no. Remember, your sexuality doesn’t mean you exist for someone else’s idea of a perfect threesome. Stay true to yourself, and don’t let anyone pressure you into something that doesn’t feel right. Respect your own vibe first, and remember that “no” is a complete sentence- you don’t even owe them a response beyond that!
If you’re seeing them on HER, please tap the handy dandy “report” option on their profile or post and select the reason that says “couple looking for a third or threesome”. Then our Trust and Safety team will take it from here and see that they’re booted. We are an inclusive online bisexual community: we want our amazing bisexuals to feel as safe and secure as possible, so we point blank do NOT allow unicorn hunting on the app. You can breathe easy without bi poachers haunting your nightmares.
Absolutely, you can go to lesbian bars if you’re bisexual! Most lesbian bars are welcoming to all queer folks and are great, safe places for anyone who supports or is part of the LGBTQ+ community. Just be respectful and mindful of the space and the people there, as with any social setting.
If you find yourself in a bar filled with negative vibes, which we hope never happens, we promise that there’s a bar out there that will feel more like home. Much like straight spaces, not every bar will match your tone and what you’re looking for, so it might take a little hopping to find one that gives you the Cheers treatment where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.
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